How to Show Up As Yourself In Every Relationship

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Transcript

Meet Steph And The People Pleaser Origin

From Flexible To Invisible

The Sushi Story And Self-Editing

What Shrinking Does To You

Reframing Honesty In Relationships

Practical Shift One: Notice Auto-Yes

Practical Shift Two: Buy Time

Practical Shift Three: Tell Small Truths

Practical Shift Four: Expect Discomfort

Teach Your Nervous System Safety

Work Boundary Story And Respect

Life After Shrinking

Weekly Mojo Challenge

You Are Not Too Much

One Brave Moment To Stop Shrinking

Pause, Breathe, Choose Honesty

Share Your Win And Spread Mojo

The Mojo Makeover Invitation

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Let me ask you something real quick. Have you ever walked away from a conversation and thought, why did I say yes to that? Or why didn't I say what I actually meant? Or the classic, why do I feel so drained after hanging out with them when I was perfectly fine before? Yeah, same. Because here's the truth: most recovering people pleasers know in their bones, but don't say so out loud. Sometimes the person you're betraying the most is you. And not in some big, dramatic, soap opera kind of way, but in the tiny, polite, socially acceptable, gold star earning way. You laugh at the joke that wasn't funny, you agree to the plan that you don't want, you take on the extra project, and you stay quiet when something feels off. And then slowly, quietly, you start shrinking. Well, today's episode of Pocketful Emojo is all about how to stop doing that. And it's how to show up as yourself, for yourself, in all your relationships. Romantic, friendship, family, work, all of it. Drop the guilt, breaking up with the drama, and without turning into someone that you don't even recognize. Because the goal here isn't to become difficult or different, the goal here is to become honest, grounded, clean, and finally at home in your own life. Shall we get into it? But first, let's start this mojo day the mojo way and get tuned in, tapped in, and turned on. Hey, good looking. Welcome back to Pocket Full of Mojo. I'm Steph, your mojo maven, and if you're anything like me or most of the incredible humans in this community, you didn't wake up one day and decide, you know what? I think I'm gonna spend my life managing everyone else's emotions. Yeah no. This stuff usually starts pretty young. Like you were the easy one or the good one, you know, the little helper, the fixer, the peacekeeper, or the one who could read the room like it was a teleprompter. You knew when someone was upset before they even said a word. And you knew how to adjust your tone, your opinions, your energy, your needs, just so that everyone else could feel comfortable. And somewhere along the way, you learned this very sneaky equation that if everyone else is okay, then I'm safe. And if everyone else is happy, then that must make me worthy. And if I don't rock the boat, I won't get rejected. So you became flexible and accommodating and adaptable. But here's the shadow side that no one talks about. Because you didn't just become flexible, you became invisible. Let me tell you a story about something that happened to me years ago. I was going out for dinner with someone that I was dating at the time, and we sat down and we were flipping through the menus, and he says, Well, what do you feel like tonight? So I did what any good recovering people pleaser would do. I said, Oh, I'm good with anything. You pick. So he suggests sushi. And I smile and I say, sure, sushi sounds great. Now, if this was being narrated by a documentary, the voiceover would come in and say, But she didn't want sushi. Not even a little bit. She wanted something warm, cozy, and carby, like pasta, or a giant bowl of ramen, or a sandwich the size of a small pillow. But no, I went with sushi because I didn't want to be difficult. So we order and he's happy and I'm smiling, and inside I'm annoyed at him for picking sushi. Which, by the way, if you remember, I told him to do. So now I'm eating food I didn't want, feeling irritated for no logical reason, and wondering why I feel so unseen in this relationship. And then it hit me like a polite, emotionally intelligent brick right to the head. He didn't ignore me. I hid. He didn't silence me. I edited myself right out of the scene. And this is what shrinking can look like in real life. Like it's not always dramatic. It's subtle, it's being polite, it's socially acceptable, and it costs you your sense of self one sushi roll at a time. Like, let's look at what shrinking actually does to you. Because when you constantly shape shift to keep the peace, there's a few things that start happening. You lose clarity about what you actually want. And if you're always asking what do they need, you're not spending any time asking, what do I need? And then you build quiet resentment because you've been saying yes when you mean no, and you go along when you want out, and then you feel frustrated, but you don't know where to put that frustration. And then the waters are murky because people don't actually know the real you. They know the agreeable version, the edited version, the no problem, I've got it version, and then you feel unseen, even though you never gave them the chance to truly see you. Now that one hurts a little, I know, but it's also incredibly empowering because if you've been hiding, you can also choose to step forward. So the big reframe here is how to show up for yourself. But first, let's get something straight. Showing up as yourself in relationships, that ain't selfish. It's not rude or dramatic or too much. It's honest. And honest people build real relationships, not the polite performances, not emotional customer service, but real, mutual, grown-up relationships. And when you start showing up for yourself as yourself, yeah, there's a few beautiful things that are gonna happen. Like you feel lighter and clearer and more respected. And then the people who are meant for you, they finally get to meet the real you. So let's get to the part that we do best at Pocketful Mocho. Let's get practical. Because the first thing you want to do is you gotta start noticing. Like I always say, it's all about awareness. So you want to start to notice where you auto yes. So this week, I want you to pay attention to your automatic yes. You know the one. The one where someone asks for a favor or suggests a plan or dumps a task on your desk. And before your brain even clocks what's happening, your mouth is like, Yeah, sure. No problem. Of course, you bet I can do that. Just start noticing those moments. And you don't have to change them right away. The win is just in noticing them. Because awareness is the first crack in the old pattern. The second thing you can do is buy yourself some time. Because you don't have to answer everything on the spot. Because people pleasers, we often feel this invisible pressure to respond immediately, as if there's a timer going on and a bomb attached right over our head. But there isn't. So just try phrases like, you know, let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you. Or I'll have a think about it and let you know. Or can I give you an answer later today? Like this creates space. And space is where your real answer lives. Not the polite one, not the one they're expecting, but the honest one. Now you're ready for practical shift number three. Tell small truths. Like you don't have to start with some huge dramatic declaration. You don't have to stand up in a meeting saying, I've been people pleasing for 17 years and I'm done. Although, come to think of it, that might be really liberating. But I don't necessarily recommend it. We're not going for a reality show moment. We're going for steady, sustainable honesty. So let's start small. Like actually, I'd prefer Italian tonight. Or simply saying, I can't take that on this week. Or I need some quiet time this weekend. Or simply that doesn't really work for me. Because these small truths, that's what builds your self-trust. And self-trust is the secret ingredient to showing up as yourself. Now this one's not fun, but it's important. Practical shift number four, you're gonna want to expect some discomfort. And this is important because when you stop shrinking, it's gonna feel weird at first. You're gonna get little flashes of guilt and selfishness and anxiety. You're gonna feel like you're being difficult. But that doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It means you're doing something new. Like there's this great trick that I use to help normalize it a bit. I look for someone in my circle that's able to do these things and show up as themselves and they make it look easy. So it really helps me collect the evidence that it is indeed possible and not as dangerous as my nervous system is trying to make me think that it is. Because your nervous system is used to keeping the peace at all costs. And now your job is to teach it that honesty is safe too. It's like switching from soft slippers to real shoes after years of having that padding around. It might feel stiff at first, but those shoes are gonna take you places. Like I once had this job where I was the go-to person for everything. Extra tasks, give it to Steph. Last minute projects, ah, she'll handle it. We need someone to stay late. Steph will do it. And I wore that like a badge of honor until I didn't. Like one day my boss asked me to take on another project, and my plate was already overflowing. Like overflowing for a people pleaser, teetering, like one more grape in this thing tips over, kind of overflowing. And for the first time, I said, you know what? I'd love to help, but my workload is jam-packed right now. So if this is a priority, we're gonna need to move something else off my plate. And I thought this guy was gonna crack open and she'd be disappointed, and everything would be my fault, and that she'd think I was lazy and ungrateful, and you know, she said she's like, okay, that makes sense. Let's have a look at your priorities. And that was it. No drama, no lecture, no judgment, no punishment, just respect and support. And driving home, I realized people can't respect the boundaries that I never set. And I didn't have any evidence of how someone would respond, so my brain was telling me, ooh, setting boundaries is dangerous. But turns out that's not the case. So let's have a look at what changes when you stop shrinking. Because when you start showing up as yourself, your yeses actually mean yes. And your no's are clear and clean, and your relationships feel lighter and more fulfilling and certainly more honest. Which means you get to stop feeling like you're acting in your own life. And the biggest shift you start liking yourself more because you're no longer abandoning yourself in every room you walk into. So here's your mojo challenge for the week. I want you to pick one relationship. Just one. It could be a friend, a partner, a coworker, a family member. And in that relationship, I want you to practice one small act of honesty. One preference, one boundary, one truth. Nothing dramatic, nothing aggressive, just real. And I want you to notice how it feels, and not just how they react, but how you feel inside your own body. That feeling of alignment, that quiet, steady confidence, that is your mojo coming back online. So if you've been shrinking in your relationships, I want you to hear this next part clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not too sensitive, you're not too emotional, and you're not too much. You just learn to survive by being smaller than you really are. But survival is not the goal anymore. Alignment is honesty is peace in your own skin. That's the goal. Because I don't know much, but I do know that you deserve relationships where you can say what you actually think, where you can ask for what you actually need, and where you can be fully yourself and still feel loved, respected, and safe. And it doesn't start with changing everyone else. Tried that, didn't work. But it starts with one small, brave moment where you decide, I'm not shrinking in this room anymore. So here's what I want you to do after this episode. I want you to think of one moment this week where the old you would automatically say yes, stay quiet, or just go along with whatever. Instead, pause, take a breath, check in with yourself, and choose the honest response. And then I want you to come tell me about it. Send me a message, tag me on Instagram, and be sure to share the episode with a friend who needs a little reminder that she's allowed to take up space. Because the more of us who stop shrinking, the more honest, healthy, and powerful our relationships will become. And that, my friend, is some serious mojo. Now you've got a pocket full and you're ready to take these challenges and make them your own. So if this episode just called out to you in high def, the mojo makeover is your next move. It's for recovering people pleasers who are done with the overthinking, the overgiving, and the shrinking just to be liked. And inside the mojo makeover, we rebuild your confidence, your boundaries, and your self-trust so that you can show up without the guilt spiral. So if you're ready to stop performing and start living with real mojo, the link's got your name on it. Check it out in the show notes, and you can start today to reclaim your mojo and reconnect with your fabulous self. By this time next week, you'll be one step closer to the unstoppable force of nature that you were born to be. I'll see you in the next episode. And until then, love yourself, love each other, and keep that mojo close. Tell for now. Love you. Bye.