Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Confronting Confrontation : A Guide for People Pleasers
Ever felt your mouth say yes while your gut screams no? We’re digging into why confrontation feels like danger to your nervous system, how people-pleasing sneaks in through well-meaning “niceness,” and the simple shifts that turn boundary-setting into an act of self-respect. With plain language and a little humor, we unpack the brain science behind fear, show you how the amygdala hijack works, and explain why your prefrontal cortex is your ally when you speak up—even if your hands shake.
You’ll hear a relatable workplace story that proves saying no doesn’t end your career, it clarifies your value. We break down three sticky myths—“confrontation is mean,” “I’ll be rejected,” and “I must be liked”—and replace them with solid truths that actually hold under pressure. We also zoom out to the cultural layer: how gendered conditioning trained many women to equate compliance with safety, and why reclaiming audacity now is both personal growth and quiet revolution. Assertiveness doesn’t need to be loud; it can be steady, kind, and unmistakably clear.
Then we get practical. You’ll get a four-step framework for low-drama conflict, examples for low-stakes practice reps, reframes that calm your body, and mantras that anchor a stronger self-image. We map the hidden costs of staying small—emotional leaks, weaker relationships, stalled opportunities, and fragile worth—and show the payoff of speaking up: clean energy, better outcomes, and confidence that sticks. Ready to shrink less and say more? Hit play, subscribe for weekly mojo, and share this with someone who’s ready to trade people-pleasing for power. Your voice matters—where will you use it first?
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Hey gorgeous, welcome back to Pocket Full of Mojo, the podcast, where we swap self-doubt for self-love, and we ditch that people pleasing for self-believing and tune into our natural born awesomeness. I'm Steph, your favorite mojo maven, and I'm just gonna jump right in. Can I be real with you, first deck? I see you over there, out in the big bad world, nodding like a bobblehead, smiling, agreeing. But I can tell when there's a little voice inside you screaming, wait, I don't actually want this. I see you juggling everyone else's feelings, always keeping the peace, always making sure everyone's okay, and yet, here's the kicker. You're scared of confrontation like it's some kind of boogeyman under your bed. And I get it, you know, confrontation. Ew, gross, awkward, uncomfortable, even terrifying, especially if you're a recovering people pleaser like me. But here's the T. Avoiding it, it's not cute. It's actually really costly. And it's chipping away at your self-image, your sense of worth, and it keeps you small in a world that is begging for your full, unapologetic, and fabulous presence. So today, we're breaking down confrontation. We're looking at the myths, the brain stuff, the actual how-to so that you can show up boldly without feeling like a total jerk. Because I don't know if you've noticed, but we have enough of those. So I promise that by the end you're gonna feel like, okay, I can do this, and maybe even deserve to. Exciting, right? So buckle up, buttercup, you're in for the ride. So let's get tuned in, tapped in, and turned on. So picture this. My friend Lisa. She calls me. She frantic. Like she had to tell her boss that she couldn't take on another project. Dun dun dun. Now, Lisa had built up this reputation at work of being the go-to gal. You know the one. Maybe you're that person at work too. Lord knows I was. You know the kind. Reliable, agreeable, team player, gold star collector, extraordinaire. But Lisa, she found herself at a breaking point. She had already said yes to covering her colleague's workload while she was on Mat Leave, and she was leading a new program launch with strict deadlines, and she was mid-remodel of her house. So all of her downtime was actually taking a lot of her energy when she was out of the office. So now she had to say no. And she was like literally sweating bullets, pacing, and even practicing what she wanted to say in the car on the way to work. What are the right words? How do I explain that I can't make this happen? I've never had to do that before. What if I do it? What if I don't do it? What if they ever offer me another shot at the next project that comes along? So we talked about it. We highlighted the fact that there is literally no more room in her agenda for more tasks. And we put together some talking points for her to bring up with her boss. And guess what? She did it, and it was fine. Like not earth-shattering, not catastrophic, just like normal, fine. Because here's the thing: people pleasers like us, we are hardwired to avoid conflict because our brains literally hate it. And the nerdy nerdy neuroscience alert, when you anticipate confrontation, your amygdala, so that part of your brain that's basically the smoke detector for threats, oh yeah, she light up like a Christmas tree. Heart races, sweaty palms, stomach and knots, the whole deal. It's like your brain is screaming, danger, danger. So what do we do? We throw ourselves an existential lifesaver to get out of the choppy waters. So we say yes and we shrink and we apologize for wanting what we want. And we think if I avoid this, everyone will like me and I'll be safe. But here's the kicker, my friend. Avoiding confrontation does not keep you safe. It keeps you small. And there's another few myths floating around out there that are just complete nonsense. And we're gonna tackle those today. Like confrontation is mean. Nope. Confrontation is just clarifying your boundaries. Myth number two, people will reject me if I speak up. Really? Really, bitch. Actually, people respect honesty. And self-respect is magnetic, and despite what you may have been told or made up in your brain, people want to know what you actually think. Because the third myth is linked to that. It's that I need to be liked. Oh honey. Why would you want everyone to like you? You don't even like everyone. So what gives? Being respected, that is sustainable. And at the end of the day, you need to like you. And the fastest way to get there is to treat yourself with some respect. And speaking up is a part of that. So let's talk about this myth that confrontation is being mean. Like, where does that even come from? Well, you know, a lot of it is social programming. From the time we were little, most of us were taught be nice, don't hurt anyone's feelings, share, don't argue. And like basically, we're trained to value harmony over honesty and to prioritize other people's comfort above our own. Like it's our responsibility. And honestly, that's not inherently bad. Like politeness and empathy and compromise, these are wonderful human skills. Love them. Five stars. But here's the problem. When you never learn to assert yourself, then being nice becomes a straitjacket. All buckles, no pockets, not cute. What I'm saying is, is that this isn't an either or situation. You don't have to choose between being polite and nice and considerate or face confrontation. They are not mutually exclusive. Both can be true. So let's unpack that a little bit more. Here's what we know your brain, she loves some predictability. And when you keep the peace, your amygdala doesn't have to fire off the alarms. You're staying in that safe zone. But the second you think about saying, no, I don't want this, or this isn't okay with me, your brain thinks that you're signaling danger. Suddenly confrontation feels like a threat, even if it's completely rational. And whether you're putting in your two cents on where to eat or challenging an idea that you know just won't fly in the boardroom, your limiting beliefs are going to try to keep you stuck and keep you small. So let's tap into what happens when you're confronted with confrontation. So there you are, staring down some confrontation. Cue the limiting beliefs, right? Your brain immediately is gonna send you some crazy nonsense and it happens to the best of us. Maybe for you it sounds like this. If I speak up, I'm being mean. Well, this is classic people-pleaser thinking. But here's the truth. Saying what you feel isn't mean, it's clear communication. If someone feels hurt, well, that's kind of their responsibility, not yours, if you said it in a respectful way, right? Or another bit of nonsense that I hear often. I'm supposed to keep everyone happy. Nope. You're not a happiness vending machine. Your job is to honor your needs and boundaries and everyone else's feelings, yeah, they can manage those for themselves. Or maybe you're like, if I disagree, I'll be rejected or unloved. Listen, your self-worth isn't conditional on everyone agreeing with you. Your worthiness is not built by committee. And here's a little secret. People who respect themselves and others at the same time, they get more authentic respect and connection. And isn't that the goal here? To be more you? And then there's the old trope that my feelings are less important than theirs. Yeah. According to whom? Like now this one might sting a little bit at first, but I'm holding your hand and saying this with love. Every time you suppress your voice to avoid confrontation, your entire self-image takes a hit. What you're doing when you say that is you're literally teaching your brain that your needs don't matter. And that erodes your sense of worth. And that's on you. And despite what your trained brain is telling you, your needs matter. So this is the part where you stop letting Debbie down or drive the bus, and instead, we're gonna give the keys to confrontation Carol. Not to be confused with crappy Karen, she's a whole other beast, and she ain't invited to the party. And you're like, okay, Steph, this is all good in theory, but why does saying how I feel feel so awkward? Well, like anything, it's awkward because it is unfamiliar. And I know as adults, we can sometimes feel disoriented when we're doing something for the first time because we're adults. We're supposed to have this all figured out by now, right? Well, maybe. If your default mode has been agreeing and shrinking and apologizing, and I bet you're super good at it, how's that working out? So now you're literally rewiring your brain when you speak up. Your prefrontal cortex is learning new neural pathways, and it's like, oh, I can handle expressing some discomfort, and I'm not gonna die. I know. Wild, right? And the more you practice, the less your brain is going to equate confrontation with danger. And the more your self-image is gonna grow and blossom, and you're gonna start to feel like, yeah, I am okay. I am enough, and dang, my voice does matter, and it do take some time, but you'll get there. So let's keep going. Now I want to get a little spicy here because confrontation is awkward for everyone, sure. But for us women, hmm, honey, it comes with an extra layer of historical seasoning. Because from the time we were little, society is has started to train us to be nice and polite and agreeable, sugar and spice and all things nice, right? The old you should smile more, say thank you, don't rock the boat. And if we do assert ourselves, well, suddenly we're labeled as bossy or mean or aggressive. Or maybe they bypass those euphemisms altogether and just call you a straight up bitch. Yeah, it's been happening forever. Meanwhile, the boys down the street, oh, they're being cheered for their audacity and their boldness and how fearless. And history basically handed them a VIP pass to being assertive, well, we're on this wait list. And by that I mean not even invited to the party. And let's be honest, audacity has been perfected by men for centuries. They raise their hands, they take the spotlight, they demand what they want, and society, well, they just clap on. Meanwhile, we internalize. Well, if I say what I want, then I'll upset someone and I'll be rejected and I'll be seen as mean. And these are the stories we've been told. But good news, Magoo. Here's the magic part. We are currently outgrowing that cultural programming. That internalized misogyny, yeah, she's slowly unraveling. And yes, that means that confrontation feels awkward because we're rewriting the rules that we've been living under our whole lives. And we're doing things that most of our mothers could never have even dreamed of. We are learning all these rules are actually made up and designed to keep us small and to shelter our power and to quiet our wisdom and to keep our inherent magic tucked away just nicely in the dark. Think about it. Every time you pause before speaking up, every time you debate, saying no, your body and your brain are still following that old programming, which is why your heart races and your palms sweat and your amygdala is screaming, danger. All the while your prefrontal cortex is trying to remind you, girl, you're allowed to exist fully in your power, regardless of whether or not you sit down to pee. And for a little extra sizzle, you know that awkwardness? It's literally your courage trying on stilettos for the first time. Uncomfortable? Yeah. Awkward? Maybe a little bit, but fierce? Abso fucking lootly. Because Audacity isn't a men's club anymore. So grab a mimosa and claim your seat at the table. That's what we're here to do today. And this is why normalizing healthy confrontation is so important. We're in this cultural shift. And women are claiming space in the workplace, which we're subsequently ruining, apparently, if you ask the New York Times. But we're changing the dynamics of relationships, of families, of social circles. And here's the thing: if we don't normalize healthy confrontation, no one else is gonna. So we are now the stewards of self-strength and personal authority. And we all have a role in this. And let's drop some of these truth bombs. Like you don't have to mimic men to be audacious. You just have to borrow that audacity that they perfected and add all the brilliance and empathy and intuition that women bring to the table. And that's a power combo that cannot be ignored. And that's a revolution that I know all of us want to be a part of. Because while men perfected boldness, women perfected strategy, emotional intelligence, and integrity. And assertiveness doesn't have to look loud or aggressive. It can be clever and confident and untouchable. And healthy confrontation is the new feminine superpower. So let's make it sexy. So here are some practical takeaways for you, my darling, lovely listener. So when we're confronted with confrontation, we're gonna follow these four steps. Number one, we're gonna name it out loud. When we find ourselves face to face in a situation where we need to step up and step in, we just gotta say, I feel nervous about this conversation and call it what it is. Because when we acknowledge our old programming, it really helps to calm that nervous system. And you're not gonna spiral when you know where you stand, even if the water is murky. And then number two, we start small. We correct a minor understanding until we get good at it. We're gonna ask for what we want in a low-stakes situation. Like if somebody wants sushi and you want cheeseburgers, just say no. I want a cheeseburger. No harm, no foul. But practice using your voice. And number three is to reframe confrontation because it's not mean, it's self-respect in action. This is you advocating for you. No one else is gonna do it, and you're gonna thank yourself for it later. Which takes us to number four. Remind yourself every time you speak up, you are rewiring centuries of cultural conditioning and stepping fully into your power. How fucking cool is that? That deserves some celebration, and we know celebration stacks that evidence that our brain likes so that this becomes our new normal. And if you want a mantra to anchor your courage, say to yourself, I don't have to shrink to be liked. I can speak my truth and still be radiant, respected, and unapologetically me. And that's a mantra that fits every time. So let's reframe that confrontation. It's not mean, it's just honest. Because here's the magic shift. Confrontation isn't a personal attack, despite what we've been told. Confrontation is setting boundaries, it's speaking your truth, it's asking for clarity. And when you adopt this mindset, confrontation stops being a bad thing. It becomes an act of self-respect. And self-respect, well, that's directly tied to your worthiness and your self-image. So let's go deeper and tie this to your self-image. Because when you avoid confrontation, what are you really saying to yourself? You're saying my feelings don't matter. You're saying other people's comfort is more important than my own. And you're okay with that? Hmm. Interesting. Now for a second, I want you to imagine someone else saying this to you. They come up to you and they say, you know what, Judy, your feelings don't matter. And my comfort is more important than yours. That sounds ridiculous. You'd want to stop them right there and say, hey man, that's not true. And you'd be right. So let's stop saying things like this to ourselves because of all the things in this life that are out of our control, what you say to yourself is 1000% your call. So make sure that that script is reflecting your awesomeness appropriately, okay, my friend? Okay, I'm glad we cleared that up. Because every time you shrink, you're sending your brain and the world the message that I'm not enough as I am. Ouch. So this is the perfect time to dip into the empowering part. Speaking up. Even awkwardly, even fearfully. It all rewires your brain. And the neuroscience says that when you assert yourself, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that's responsible for executive function and decision making, well, she lights up like a Christmas tree, too. Making your ability to act in alignment with your values, it makes it stronger and more accessible. And bit by bit, that becomes your go-to. So what does all that mean? It means the more that you practice standing up, the more your brain gets used to you being okay with being okay. And your self-image, boom, she grows. Your worth, unshakeable, and you can do this with all the manners and the politeness and trademark adorability that you are known for. No meanies in sight. Because mojo isn't about transforming, it's about revealing all that you really are, remembering all that you are as a whole, worthy, important, and generally fabulous human. So it's time to show all the parts. And confrontation is part of that. It's not the enemy. The enemy is shrinking to make everyone else comfortable. And if you don't believe me, I want to talk about the cost of staying small, of outsourcing your power. Because, Bestie, it's time to get real about the dark side of people pleasing. Because we've talked about why confrontation feels awkward and how society has trained us to prioritize everyone else's comfort before our own. But what happens when you do that all the time? When you keep shrinking, when you keep outsourcing your power just to keep the peace. Because in the moment, shrinking for comfort feels safe, but it's actually the quietest form of self-sabotage. Because staying small, it's not safe. It's actually really costly. And I'm not just talking about missing out on that promotion or letting someone cut in front of you in line. I'm talking about your life, your energy, your self-worth, your very sense of who you are. Find a topic more important than that. I'll wait. In the meantime, these are the top four ways that you're paying too much for calm waters. Number one, well, it's the emotional and the mental cost. Every time you avoid confrontation, your feelings get buried. Anger, frustration, disappointment, desire, they all get shoved into a box. And what do boxes do over time? Bitch, they leak. They leak anxiety and stress and resentment and passive-aggressive patterns and sleepless nights, replaying conversations that never happened, but maybe you wish they did. Stress-filled showers where you replay moments on repeat of all the times you should have said something, but you took the easy way out. And then your brain also learns a dangerous lesson. It learns my needs don't matter, my voice doesn't matter. This is literally training your nervous system to shrink. And your self-image, oof, every yes that wasn't yours chips away at the truth that you are enough just as you are. And this can ripple into number two, which is the relationship cost. Because ironically, avoiding confrontation hurts your relationships. Because when you don't speak up, people don't know who you really are. They only know the version of you that says, yes, that accommodates, that numbs your needs for theirs. And that's a slippery slope. Because then they may take more and expect more and even unconsciously disrespect your boundaries because you never defined them. And healthy confrontation is actually relationship insurance. It's how you teach people how to treat you without resentment or drama. Now the third tax that comes in is the career and the opportunity cost. And this one hits hard for ambitious, capable women. Because saying yes to everything may keep people happy in the short term, but it steals your time, your focus, and your energy. And what, you got so much of that going on? No, you don't. And then your big ideas get delayed, and then your voice doesn't get heard, and then your leadership potential, it's undermined. And when you outsource your power to avoid conflict, you're telling the world, I'm not allowed to take up space. And unfortunately, the world has a way of believing you. And if all of this goes on for even a little too long, we hit number four. The spiritual and the self-worth cost. And this one's a kicker because the biggest price of staying small isn't external, it is internal. Every time you suppress your truth, you're teaching yourself that your feelings, your desires, your dreams, your boundaries, it's all optional. They don't really matter. And when that becomes a habit, self-doubt sneaks in, imposter syndrome settles in, and your connection to your worthiness, it's fragile at best. And you end up living a life designed by everyone else's comfort zone and not your own. And sweetie, that's not living. That's exhausting. So here's the empowering flip side. Because there is good news here, and that's that confrontation does not have to feel like a hurricane. Like, what if I told you that it's actually the pathway back to your power? That every time you practice speaking up, you reclaim some space, you take back some energy, you get a little bit more clear on what it is that you want, and you tell your nervous system, I am allowed. I am enough. And my voice, mm-hmm, she does matter. Think about it. The cost of avoiding confrontation is high. We just proved that. But the payoff of stepping into it is massive. I'm talking confidence, I'm talking self-respect, mental clarity, energy, better relationships, opportunities showing up for you instead of passing you by. And you've got a self-image that isn't fragile, but it's rock solid. So my challenge for you is this start noticing the moments where you shrink and ask yourself, is this my yes, or am I saying yes to avoid the conflict? Am I keeping the peace at the cost of my own energy and self-worth? And then I want you to set one small boundary today. Practice a tiny confrontation, just one that's low stakes, and then notice how it feels. You are rewiring your brain, and each time you do, you're reclaiming your voice, your power, your worth, your self-image. This is the kind of evidence we want to start stacking. And anchor it in that mantra. My power is mine. I call it back to me. My voice matters. I am enough exactly as I am. Because, my friend, you don't have to roar to be heard. Even a well-placed whisper can move mountains. Alright, you beautiful badass. Here's what I want you to take away. Number one, avoiding confrontation. It doesn't protect your work, it erodes it, and we've been avoiding it for centuries. And how's that working out? So let's hold hands and flip the script. Respectfully, of course. Number two, yeah, your feelings matter. Your voice matters, you matter. And number three, confrontation is a superpower. It's how you honor yourself without stepping on anyone else. So the next time someone pushes your boundaries, remember, you can speak up and you will be okay. And most importantly, you deserve to be exactly who you are: loud, awkward, funny, imperfect, and worth every single bit of respect. So this week I double-dog dare you to shrink less, speak more, and watch the world make room for the real you. So if this episode makes you feel like someone finally gets it, then go ahead, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who needs a little reminder that standing up for self-love, that's the action. And you've got this, and I'll see you next week with more mojo energy. But for today, that's it for me. And if you're looking for some more things to boost your mojo, you can always check out those show notes, and we've got a little bit of everything. Because you know, Mojo Mastery is just getting started, and you're the Smarty pants that's here on the ground floor. So stick around, stay tuned, and get ready for more mojo to come. I've got some amazing things cooking, and I can't wait to tell you more about it. But until then, I want you to stay fabulous, say that thing, be yourself, and watch the world rise to meet you. See you next time. Ciao for now. Love you. Bye.
