Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Unhook From Approval Addiction
Ever order the sushi to keep the peace when all you wanted was the burger? That tiny moment says everything about approval addiction—how our brains chase praise like a survival resource and how that chase slowly shrinks our lives. We unpack why the dopamine loop makes people-pleasing feel like oxygen, then show how to break it with simple, believable steps that rebuild confidence from the inside out.
We start with clear, relatable stories that highlight the hidden costs of the “easy yes”—exhaustion, quiet resentment, and an identity built on applause. From there, we translate neuroscience into action: naming triggers, staying present with discomfort, and learning to self-approve so your brain releases its own reward instead of waiting for claps. Steph shares the pivotal reframes that turned childhood gold stars into adult sovereignty, including permission statements that anchor new beliefs in your body and tiny, real-world acts of authenticity that stack into a sturdy sense of self.
You’ll learn how to choose one repeat scenario, surface the truth beneath the habit, and ask the question that cuts through noise: what would I do if approval wasn’t on the line? We also explore the difference between fitting in and belonging, and how to gather people who can hold your no without punishment. The result is a practical path: pick the moment, name the fear, grant permission, embody it, take one small action, and repeat. Approval is nice, but it’s not oxygen. Your worth isn’t a vote, and your voice doesn’t need a standing ovation to be valid.
If this spoke to you, follow Pocket Full of Mojo, share it with a friend who’s tired of living for gold stars, and leave a review with one thing you’re no longer apologizing for. Your future self will thank you.
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Hello, hello, hello, my friend. Welcome back to Pocket Full of Mojo. I'm Steph, I am your mojo maven, and today we're diving into a topic that a lot of us know way too well. We don't just want it, we don't just like it, we are straight up addicted to it, and I'm talking about approval. Yeah, we're going there. Because for so many recovering people pleasers, and if you're listening, I have a feeling that you just might be one, and it's that little hit of good job, or oh, you're the best, or just somebody's smile of approval. It can feel amazing, it can feel like oxygen. But what happens when the approval becomes the thing that drives you instead of you driving yourself? Well, that, my friend, that's what we're gonna unravel today. And like we're talking neuroscience, we're talking real life stories, we're talking tools that can help you stop living for the nods and the gold stars and start living for your truth. Why are we doing this? Well, because we're here to live a life we love and love the life we live. So let's get into it. Let's get tuned in, tapped in, and turned on. Okay, so here we are, and we're gonna kick off strong. I want you to picture this. You're out with your friends, everyone's deciding where you're gonna eat. You don't really want sushi, and you know that you don't want sushi. But then somebody's like, hey, you know what? Let's do sushi. And then you smile, and then you nod, and you're like, sushi sounds great. And meanwhile, inside you're like, God damn it, I was really hoping she'd say cheeseburger. And maybe it's not dinner, maybe it's work. Maybe you're on your way out the door and your boss is like, hey, if you could just send me that report, that'd be great. And boom, that's in your lap. And then you're like, yeah, sure. Again, not because you want to, but because you want to be seen as helpful, as reliable, as good. We've all been there. And these moments don't look dramatic, but they are powerful. Because every little yes that we give out of fear of disappointing someone, it's another hit of approval, a tiny little snack of sweet, sweet dopamine. And here's the wild part that hit feels good, at least for a second, to that good old familiar crash comes, and then who shows up but our friend of me, resentment and exhaustion. And just like that, you're feeling invisible in your own life. And trust me, this is all very takes one to know one. So let's hold hands and break it down. Why do we do this and how do we stop? Because your brain isn't broken, it's brilliantly wired for connection, actually. Like way back in the caveman times. Like if your tribe liked you, you got protection and food and safety. And if they didn't like you, well, let's just say, you know, the saber-toothed tigers didn't care about how many gold stars you have and definitely give zero fucks about your people-pleasing tendencies. So your brain developed a reward loop. When someone approves of you, your brain releases a little hit of dopamine, that feel-good chemical that lights up your reward system in your brain. Like every time you get that good job, it's not just a compliment, it's a chemical cocktail, and your nervous system goes, ooh, more of that, please. But the problem is that your brain doesn't know the difference between tribal survival and Instagram likes, or your boss thinking you're perfect, or your partner always agreeing with you. So what started as a safety mechanism turns into a cage. And it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means you've been wired this way, and it's not necessarily linked to your awareness. But here's the part I love anything that's wired can be rewired. I want to share a story with you. When I was a kid, I learned really fast that being the good girl got me the praise. Oh, Steph, you're so helpful. You're so good at that. You're so mature. And little me soaked it up like sunshine. Every gold star, every smile, every nod of approval, it felt like proof that I mattered. But as I got older, that same instinct started to own me. I had agreed to things that I didn't want. I would smile when I was exhausted. I would over-deliver to prove my worth. I'd eat the sushi when all I wanted was the burger. And then when I did all those things for the sake of other people, and then no one noticed, well, cue the insecurity and signar to any confidence I had. I felt invisible, I felt unseen, I felt unchosen. It's like all that effort didn't even matter. Because I'd built an identity around what other people thought. And what I thought about me was almost entirely based on what other people thought about me. And I didn't even really realize it until I was bone-tired of living someone else's story. And if any of that hit home for you, I want you to know you're not broken. You're just running on an old program that used to keep you safe. And here's how the cycle keeps you stuck. Over time, you start shrinking. Because every single time you abandon your truth to keep somebody else comfortable, you're teaching your nervous system that their comfort matters more than my truth. But it comes with a sidecar of resentment, also known as quiet rage. It creates an identity that's built on applause instead of you just existing and being you. Okay. So deep breath. Here's finally the good part. Approval addiction is learned. And anything that is learned can be unlearned. And then you can replace it with something that really serves you. Something that you've consciously chosen. Because nobody wakes up in the morning and says, I'm going to give all my power away today. So let's look at some practical ways to start getting you back in the driver's seat. The first thing you can do is name the trigger. Like the next time you're about to say yes, just give yourself a beat and pause and ask yourself, Am I doing this because I want to or because I want to be liked? Because just noticing is power. Naming it is taking back your authorship. Awareness is step one. Then you're gonna feel the discomfort and you're gonna stay. Because when you start saying no, and this is new to you, your nervous system might slash is absolutely going to freak out. And that's okay, and that is normal. This is just your heads up so that you don't run. Because it's just your brain recalibrating. Just breathe and remind yourself the discomfort is not danger. You are safe. You are allowed to stand in that truth. And the power that you have is the knowing that the discomfort is temporary and that you're stronger than a passing feeling, period. And definitely write that down if it's helpful. Now, the third thing that you're gonna do is you're gonna reclaim your own approval. Now, let me be super clear about this one because the faster you adopt it, a life becomes more fun, and two, your confidence, it's gonna boost like a rocket ship. Facts of facts. Here it is. You don't have to wait for someone else to clap. All right. So you have to start giving yourself the approval that you've been outsourcing. Every time you go to ask somebody else what they think, ask yourself what do you think? Answer your own question first and start celebrating the most microscopic wins with the energy of a Thanksgiving Day parade. Whether it's a decision, whether it's the way that you spoke up in the meeting, when you go to ask somebody their opinion on the casserole you made, answer your own question. What do you think about the casserole that you made? How does it taste? Are you proud of yourself? Well, job well done. All those things that you'd love to hear from all the people around the table, give it to yourself before you start to ask outward. And when you do that, you're literally retraining your brain to release dopamine from yourself. You don't need validation because you're in your own reward loop, and that is power. You can tap into that anytime. And remembering that our brain is a computer and a belief is just a thought that we hold and repeat over and over again, knowing that you're in charge of the data entry reestablishes your power, your authorship, your agency in your own life, and your belief system. Like, why have we been outsourcing the most important job there is? Why is my identity based on what other people who know shit about me? Why am I giving all that power away? This is the fun part. Take the reins, run. Because this is where you get to number four, the micro acts of authenticity. Here's where most people skid and abandon the process. They take too big a swing. Don't start with the big dramatic boundary. Start small, start with the casserole, start with saying no to the extra project or saying yes to the burger and no to the sushi. Speak up, even if it's unpopular. And each of these little acts, it's a vote for your future self. And then number five is an ingredient that cannot be underestimated. Build a safe belonging because we still need connection. We just don't need to perform for it. And in general, like Mojo Mastery focuses a lot almost exclusively on the self. But you can't ignore the fact that part of the human experience is in how we connect with others. And the big question of, you know, what is my purpose and what am I here for? It's to experience the impact of how doing what you do makes other people feel. That is powerful. And when you surround yourself with people that do things that make you feel lit up and supported and encouraged and seen and heard and all that good stuff, those are your people. Collect them like treasure and treat them accordingly. Because in order to truly create a mojo haven where you can thrive as who you really are, it is paramount to surround yourself with the people who can hold your no without punishing you for it, who can see your value beyond what you can do for them, or expect you to contribute in a certain way, or where it feels transactional. And real belonging doesn't require a mask, it just requires you to be present. It requires you to exist. Otherwise, you're not belonging, you're just fitting in. Do not settle for that, do not shortchange your own experience. This is where you can dig in and reach out and try a different room because you never know who you haven't met yet, who's going to shine a light on your world that can change the game. Because one of my favorite sayings is that you haven't met all the people who are gonna love you yet. All right, my friend. Now we've talked about the why and the how and the what of approval addiction, but here's where the real magic happens when you bring it into the real world of your actual life, because this isn't just about knowing better, it's about choosing differently. So let's walk through how to do that step by step. We're gonna slow it down because this part matters. Because, like, when it comes to breaking any pattern, especially approval seeking, where you focus your attention makes all the difference. So if you want to be less dependent on the approval of other people, we're gonna go through step by step what to do. And you can just start by asking yourself some questions. Like, where in my life do I most ignore my own needs? Or where am I leaning too far to make someone else happy? Come up with examples. Your brain loves proof. If we want to change, we have to remember why. So think of the last time you walked away from a situation feeling small or resentful or just invisible. And where do I feel the heaviest pressure to be liked or accepted or approved of? Now you're not looking for the most dramatic situation. You're looking for the one that happens often, the one that nibbles away at your sense of self, the death by a thousand yeses, that kind of thing. So, like it could be saying yes to the extra work that you don't really have time for, or always agreeing with friends just to keep the peace, or making yourself small and holding back because you don't want to ruffle any feathers. And I'm talking about these behaviors, like it's beyond beyond being polite, right? It's when you downplay your own opinions in meetings or in conversations. If you're biting your tongue at family dinners just to make sure that you're not the difficult one, just pick one and don't overthink it. Usually it's the first one that pops up. That's usually the right one. Because that moment, that's your entry point to the freedom that we want on the other side. Because this is where things get real. Once you've chosen a situation, I want you to ask, okay, how do I feel in this moment? And what do I actually want? And then the most powerful one is what would I say or do if approval wasn't on the line? If I didn't really want my brothers to be impressed with the project that I worked on, if I wasn't posting this in order to get likes and follows. Right? Like this question just hits. And here's the thing: the truth is often quiet. It's buried under layers of should and nice and easy and don't rock the boat. But if you give it a little space, it will speak. And when you find that truth, maybe it'll be, actually, I don't want to go. I'm tired. I don't feel this is aligned with me. Or I have a different opinion. Or I'm gonna speak up and want to be heard. And you don't even have to act on it yet. Right now we're just letting it s come to the surface. We're giving your voice permission to exist in the room again. Because for people who are addicted to approval, the truth doesn't disappear. It just gets super quiet. And then this step is about turning the volume back up. And these next questions, they're subtle, but they're powerful. Because once you've got the situation, just look at yourself and say, like, why does this make me crave approval so much? What am I scared of underneath that? What story am I telling myself about what will happen if I don't please? Like if I say no, they'll think I'm selfish. If I disagree, they won't like me. If I speak up, I might lose my place at this table. And these fears often belong to an earlier pre-programmed, without your knowledge, version of you. The one who learned that belonging was earned and not given. Now, heads up, and this is important, this isn't about shaming that part of you. This is just about not letting it drive anymore. It's time to take the keys away from the driver that doesn't have the permit to drive the upgraded version of you. And this is where the power shifts. Because you've identified the situation, you've done some digging, you've unearthed some truths, you've named the fear, and you've taken the keys away from the one who shouldn't be driving. Now this is where you get to give yourself permission to choose you. Permission isn't just words on a page. It's this little private declaration of sovereignty. And for recovering people pleasers, it's still like permission typically comes with like a feeling because you've got this new awareness. The shoulders go back, the breath gets a bit deeper. And it's the one you're giving to yourself. And a good permission statement, it's clear, it's simple, and it's grounded in the fact that you trust yourself. Like I'm allowed to say no without over-explaining. Think of all the free time you're gonna have. They don't require agreement, they're yours. This is about you stepping back into the driver's seat of your own life because you've had the keys this whole time. And in step number five, you're gonna anchor it in the body. You're gonna think it's a bit woo-woo, but it's the thing that most people skip, and it's the thing that prevents it from sticking. Because you can't just think your way out of approval addiction. You have to feel your way out too. Like when you say your permission statement out loud, notice how it feels in your chest and what happens to your breath. If your stomach tightens or your shoulders drop, this is your nervous system learning a new story. I'm safe even when I choose myself. And that's rewiring in real time. No waiting, no taking it to the board for approval right here, right now. You're doing it. And now that we've thought about it and we're feeling it, step six is to take action. Just a small one, but it's exciting because this is the moment where change meets the real world, an actual manifestation, if you will. So I want you to pick one small, doable action that honors the permission that you just gave yourself. And it's just maybe saying no to one thing this week. Maybe it's speaking up in one conversation, or maybe you stop feeling obliged about texting back immediately and just taking a pause before you say yes. These small steps are powerful because they're believable. You don't need to burn down your life to start living on your terms. You just need to take back one inch at a time. So to recap, you're gonna pick the moment that matters. You're gonna listen for the truth behind the habit. You're gonna name the fear that's been running the show, and you're gonna give yourself permission to choose you. You're gonna anchor it in your body so that it sticks. And then you're gonna take one action to make it real. This is how you break free from needing approval like it's air. Not overnight, but choice by choice, voice by voice, inch by inch. You don't need permission from anyone else to live your truth, but sometimes you need to hear it from yourself. Because here's the thing: being addicted to approval doesn't make you weak. It means that you've spent years being the version of yourself that the world rewarded. But now you're in charge. It's time to be the version the world can't ignore because it's real. Approval is nice, but it's not oxygen. Your worth is not up for debate. And your life doesn't need to be a standing ovation to be valid. And just like that, you've got your very own pocket full of mojo. If this episode hit home for you, why don't you just go ahead and share it with somebody who's ready to stop living another people's applause? We could all use a friendly reminder of a power. And fun fact, it multiplies exponentially when we share it with other people. So make sure you're following Pocket Full of Mojo so you don't miss next week's episode. And there are links in all things mojo in the show notes. And hey, if you're feeling brave, leave a review. Tell me one thing you're no longer apologizing for. So that's it for me. Thank you so much for being here. Until next time, when we talk about how to reclaim all those pieces of you that you once gave away. Make sure you keep your mojo close and your truth even closer. Ciao for now. Doodaloo, Kangaroo. Love you, bye.
