Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
The Guilt Hangover: Why Setting Boundaries Feels Terrible (But Isn't)
That queasy feeling after setting a boundary isn't your conscience—it's your breakthrough. For recovering people-pleasers, the "guilt hangover" arrives like clockwork after we finally stand up for ourselves, bringing with it anxiety, second-guessing, and that unmistakable pit in our stomach.
But what if this discomfort isn't a warning sign at all? What if it's actually evidence that you're finally breaking free from patterns that have kept you small? Throughout this episode, we dive deep into why setting boundaries triggers such intense emotional reactions, especially for those of us who've been wired to believe our worth comes from keeping everyone else comfortable.
We explore what boundaries truly are (hint: not weapons or walls, but acts of clarity and care) and what they aren't. Through relatable analogies—like boundaries being the thermostat of your life or the foam that protects your internal battery—we redefine these essential tools for wellbeing. You'll learn to recognize when your guilt is simply your old operating system freaking out because you're challenging your survival programming.
The heart of this episode is the Four Rs method for moving through boundary guilt: Recognize the hangover, Return to your breath, Reframe the discomfort, and Ride it out. Through personal stories and practical examples, you'll discover how to implement these steps in real-life situations. Because the ultimate goal isn't eliminating guilt—it's retraining your brain to see boundaries as normal, healthy, and empowering.
Ready to transform your relationship with boundaries? Take our challenge to set one small boundary this week and practice moving through the guilt hangover with grace. Because every shaky "no" is a rep in the self-respect gym, and you've had a membership there all along. Your voice matters, your needs matter, and your energy deserves protection. Subscribe now and join our community of recovering people-pleasers who are learning that awkward is just the doorway to freedom.
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Have you ever set a boundary and then immediately felt like the world's worst person? Like one minute you're proud for finally saying no, and then the next minute you're like drowning in guilt and anxiety and questioning all your life choices and have this weird urge to send an apology text. Yeah, that's what we call the guilt hangover. It's that pounding emotional headache that you get right after you do something that's actually good for you, but it feels totally foreign and uncomfortable, especially if you've been a lifelong people pleaser. It's like you've betrayed your identity somehow. But here's the thing you have, but in the very best way Confusing, absolutely. And that's why you tune in here, you gorgeous little flower. So on this episode, we're going to dig into exactly why boundaries trigger that guilt hangover and what it really means and, most importantly, how to move through it without running back to your old habits, because ain't nobody got time for that. We are here to move forward. So by the end of the episode, you're going to know exactly how to spot the guilt hangover, how to ride it out and how to actually feel good about standing up for yourself. Doesn't that sound amazing, I know. So let's dive in. Let's start the way we always do and take a deep breath and get tuned in, tapped in and turned on. Hey, hey, mojo Rinos, how's it going? How's it flowing?
Speaker 1:Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo, the podcast that helps you set boundaries and ditch the burnout and finally feel at home in your own skin. And I'm so glad you're here, because today we're talking about something that every people pleaser runs into. The second they start setting boundaries and that's the guilt hangover. And if you've ever had a real hangover, like the alcohol inspired kind, then you probably had that moment when you're like, oh, I'm never going to drink again. Now imagine what would happen if you listen to your guilt hangover and never set another boundary. I personally couldn't live with myself, and you deserve to have a badass relationship with boundaries and a relationship with boundaries that serves you, not punishes you. So we're here to set you up where there's more boundaries, less feeling awful about it, because if I say boundaries and your whole body tenses up, then we got work to do. I mean, you know that feeling. I know that feeling. You finally say no, you finally speak up for yourself, you stepped outside your comfort zone and, instead of the applause and the ticker tape parade that you actually deserve, you get hit with waves of anxiety and second guessing and that heavy pit in your stomach. We know that ugly little trio, right. So you start wondering if you were too much or maybe too harsh, or maybe even just a flat out bad person, and that does not seem like a fair setup.
Speaker 1:And let's be clear a boundary isn't necessarily like a rule of law that you have to establish and announce to everybody, and it's certainly not a way to control how other people behave. It's not an ultimatum, it's not a do this or you're out, and it's absolutely not a form of rejection or shutting people down, and it's not a way to make yourself untouchable. It's literally the opposite. It is a user manual for how you want to be treated. And, yeah, you can do that because, as it turns out, you're in charge.
Speaker 1:And I bring up this list of all these other things because these are the things that our brain is going to try to tell us as truths, because it wants to keep us in our old ways, because then it's predictable and safe. But these old and outdated, dusty definitions, well, they feel scary when you really look at them, because they frame boundaries as weapons or ultimatums or walls. But what a boundary actually is is. It's an act of clarity and care and self-advocacy and protection. And I don't know about you, but I know that in my toolbox I'd rather have those than a bunch of weapons. So let's anchor ourselves in everyday, relatable descriptions of what boundaries actually are, and I've been able to have some really cool conversations with people about boundaries and this is kind of what we came up with in addition to you know some of my research and things like that. And and one of the things that really clarified it for me was it's a line between what drains you and what sustains you. Right, because only you know the answer. Nobody else can dictate what your boundaries could or should be, because first you have to ask that question Does it drain me or does it sustain me? It's like a boundary is a filter that keeps the junk out and the good stuff can come through.
Speaker 1:Another great analogy was the seatbelt. The seatbelt for your well-being. It doesn't restrict you, it keeps you safe, and if you've ever seen me car dancing, you know that you can get some pretty fierce shit done with a seatbelt on. So keep that in mind. And a boundary is a permission slip that you write for yourself. It doesn't require a cosigner. That's important because that would be ridiculous.
Speaker 1:And there's some other good old-fashioned visual analogies. If you're like me, you know. It's that foam battery you don't let it die without recharging it. It's your closet, you don't just let anything go in there. Or your front door. You get to decide who gets a key, who gets to knock and who just doesn't get to come in at all. But the best one, I think, is the thermostat. You set the temperature to what feels right to you. So now I feel like we're on good footing and we've established what a boundary is and what it's not.
Speaker 1:So we're going to reset the stage when it comes to boundaries, because we know about the guilt hangover. Right, we're going to hold hands and say to each other yes, it's not just guilt, it's the tight chest, it's the racing thoughts about what those people are thinking about you. It's questioning if you're one of those people that are too much or too harsh, because you've seen those people and you don't want to be those people. And it's that pit in your stomach dread that you've ruined something which, to a people pleaser, is obviously the end of the world. So if this sounds familiar, it's not because you've been doing something wrong. You've just been doing something different, because the truth behind the guilt is that we have this operating system. It's like a hard drive that was set up when we were kids through how we were parented, our education, our influences, our family, the TV we watched or didn't watch, and as people pleasers, we've been wired, right or wrong, with or without intent, to believe that our worth comes from keeping everyone else comfortable. So when you set a boundary, your nervous system freaks out. It thinks you're breaking your own rules of survival. But what if I told you that there's more and that this isn't the end?
Speaker 1:Because here's the truth, this nasty guilt hangover. It's not a sign you're doing something wrong, despite how it feels. It's a sign that you're growing Because remember, feelings aren't facts and the louder they show up. We just got to pay more attention to why am I feeling this way? And the guilt hangover is proof that you've just exercised a new muscle, just like lifting weights.
Speaker 1:After the first rep, your arms kind of shake, but that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means that you're building strength. But you're not going to shake forever. It'll change. You can change. You are in charge of the relationship that you have with yourself. And if you're done with beating yourself up and talking shit about decisions that you make that are in your own best interest, then let's keep going.
Speaker 1:So let's have a look at how you know that you're doing it right. You're going to want to look for these signs. So tough talk, alert. You're going to want to look for these signs. So tough talk, alert. It's going to be uncomfortable at first. If it's easy, you probably didn't set a real boundary. Another sign you're doing it right you're going to second guess yourself and that's your old people pleasing voice putting up its hand, waving it about, trying to talk you out of the progress. Or maybe another person is going to react, not always badly, but boundaries do shift the dynamic and people notice. So if you feel any combination of those, congratulations. That is the guilt hangover and it's a sign that you're on the right track. So here's an example I can share with you about something I did recently where this popped up. Here's an example I can share with you about something I did recently where this popped up.
Speaker 1:So when I'm not out mastering mojo, I also double as my 87 year old dad's primary caregiver, and it's a 24-7 undertaking. And while I have the privilege of holding this role, it's too much for just me. So my brother comes and gives me some respite a few times a week and I'm super grateful for that. So our deal is that he comes by Monday, wednesday, friday, nine-ish to five-ish. It's great, I can beep boop around the city and like do all my things or not, or whatever. But it also leaves me out of any socializing on evenings and weekends, which can be isolating, and while he has a wife and kid and this works great for him, but it means that my social life can be lukewarm at best.
Speaker 1:Now don't get me wrong. My brother has been great about any you know, ad hoc requests that I have and he's been flexible and accommodating and I'm again super grateful. But he's not advocating for me to get out more, so I have to do it for myself or not. But I can't ask for zero help and then feel bad that I'm not getting any help. See how that works. So the other day a very handsome and lovely opportunity came up for me to go out on a Saturday Huzzah. But this meant that I had to go ask for special scheduling requests and the old people pleaser, showed up and I instantly got the knot in my stomach and my brain flooded me with reasons why my brother will say no and reasons why I shouldn't advocate for what I wanted. But, stephanie, you already asked for a Saturday off this month. His kid is back in school and weekends are precious for him.
Speaker 1:Don't push it. What if he gets annoyed? What if he says no? What if that's the day that something happens with dad and you're not there? And when I indulge in thoughts like that, I freeze, and you probably do too. So let's have a look at the process of moving through it, because it's going to happen. But mojo mastery is the ability to spend less time there. Now, if it was me five years ago, I just wouldn't have asked at all If it was in the least way inconveniencing someone else. It was just not going to happen. So let's talk about how to actually move through it instead of spiraling back into apology mode.
Speaker 1:So we've got four R's. We're going to work through the four R's to get through the guilt hangover. So the first R is recognize that hangover, call it out. This feeling is a guilt hangover. It is temporary and it doesn't mean that I'm wrong. This feeling is a guilt hangover. It is temporary and it doesn't mean that I'm wrong. The second R return to your breath, put a hand on your chest, take a few deep breaths and remind your nervous system that you're safe. The third R is to reframe. Reframe the guilt, put it under the microscope, ask it. Did I hurt them? Did I honor myself? And then the fourth hour is ride it out. Give it time. Guilt is going to fade faster than regret and, trust me, regret for betraying yourself turns into resentment and it's gross and sticky and it lasts way longer than the discomfort of guilt.
Speaker 1:So if we go back to the example with my brother, I absolutely recognized the guilt hangover. Before I even sent the request to my brother, the inner saboteur showed up and started flooding my brain with all those reasons to not advocate for myself so that I could stay in safety with my original operating system, and I called it out right away. I was like listen, charlie, go home, you're drunk, no one needs you at the party, this is the time for self-advocacy. And at the time the thoughts had crept in while I was driving. So I kind of said to myself I was like this kind of energy is not allowed back in the house. So I sat in the driveway and I put my hand on my heart and I returned to my breath and the objective there is that when you do that, there's nothing but you and your breath. There is nothing else that exists but you and your breath. No good thoughts, no bad thoughts, just baseline breathing.
Speaker 1:Then I went into the reframe and that's when my inner advocate showed up, who's been to the gym a couple of times. So that's when the voice came in you do so much, you don't know how he'll respond. You are worthy of asking for what you need. You're honoring yourself by asking and all of these things. And then I was just like, yeah, I was like a crowd that was getting a cheerlead. I was just like, yeah, I do do things, yes, I am honoring myself and it feels good.
Speaker 1:And it's like the tide shifted and between the breath, work and the positive self-talk, I was able to realign my mojo before going back in that house, I was able to tune into what was real and what was imagined. And by the time I put the groceries down in the kitchen, those thoughts that were driven by fear and discomfort, they were long gone. They disappeared as quickly as they came. And you know what my brother responded with no problemo and a little thumbs up emoji, because we're Gen Xers and that emoji is not offensive. So you know the more you know. But no, there was no shaming, there was no negotiating, the Spanish Inquisition was nowhere to be found.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to ask you, like in the moments when you're trying to offset the guilt brigade, just ask yourself is this battle real or imagined? Because the ultimate solution here isn't to eliminate guilt. This isn't what we're talking about. It's to retrain your brain to see boundaries as normal, to see them as healthy, to see them as loving, to see them as proof of how much you love yourself, to see them as evidence of you knowing what you need and what you don't, because you're building an updated operating system and it's one that sees them as empowering and loving and as actions that you take for you, which is pretty much the best reason to do anything right.
Speaker 1:So when you practice, here's what changes you stop over explaining, you stop apologizing, which gives you way more free time and energy for what matters to you, and you're gonna start to attract relationships that respect your limits, because they can identify them clearly, instead of attracting relationships that drain you dry and that's the payoff. That's the real, tangible outcome for a recovering people pleaser. Freedom, peace, energy and those are the ingredients you need to make a life that you actually want. Like, did my brother ask me why I needed the switch? No, did I have to prepare a PowerPoint presentation explaining and justifying the request for a weekend day off? Also, no.
Speaker 1:So here's the thing the guilt hangover isn't proof that you've messed up. It's proof that you're leveling up. Every shaky, no, every moment you stand your ground, every time you honor yourself. It's a rep in the gym, the self-respect gym, and you've had a membership here all along. It's just time that you start using it. And now you know how. And, yeah, like, literally everything else that you do for the first time is gonna be awkward. But awkward is the doorway to freedom ps, there's a whole episode two weeks ago about that, so check it out. And, babe, you can handle a little bit of awkward and that's a mojo guarantee right there. Because, fuck, perfect, you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to explain yourself. You just need to keep choosing you, because every time you do, you're rewriting the story of your life, one where your voice matters, your needs matter and your energy is protected. And, oh my God, you did that. And with a few reps, there will come a day in the not so distant future where you can do this automatically hangover free in your power, and it's going to feel good. So let's get some reps in.
Speaker 1:I want to leave you with a wee challenge this week Set one boundary, just one. Say the thing, ask for what you need, express what you desire Just one time, and then, when that guilt hangover hits, you're going to see it coming, but you're not going to run from it. You're going to recognize, return to your breath, reframe it and remember you are worthy, you are great, you are empowered to do this and you're exactly where you need to be. And you're not here to play small. You're here to rise, and the world is better when you do so. Here's the takeaway today the guilt hangover is not a red flag. It's one of those green lights we're looking out for. It means you're finally stepping out of the old operating system and into your power.
Speaker 1:Boundaries don't just protect your time. They protect your energy, your identity and your future. So, if this resonated with you at all, do yourself that favor. Pick one small boundary to set this week and when the guilt hangover shows up, you're just going to smile, because that's the sound of healing. And hey, if you need a little boost to steady your nerves and keep your focus while you practice, you should probably grab some mojo gummies. That's it.
Speaker 1:I'm giving you a little ad here because they're actually designed to help you calm the chaos and fuel your focus and tune in and keep your energy steady, because we've picked up a new hobby and it's called like ditching the chaos. So, just because you're pretty, I dropped a 15% off code for the smarty pantses to take advantage of, and it's a great deal on an amazing product. I dare you to tell me otherwise. So do yourself a favor, grab some today, thank me later. So, my friends, that's it for me today. I'm going to leave you, but I want to thank you so much, not just for showing up here today, but for showing up for yourself. So until next time, keep your head up, keep your heart strong and keep that mojo rising. This has been, steph, your favorite mojo maven signing off Toodaloo kangaroo. Love you Bye.
