Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Your Needs Are Not Up For Debate: A Guide for Recovering People-Pleasers
Ever find yourself saying yes when every cell in your body is screaming no? That moment—when your gut says one thing but your mouth betrays you—is exactly where your power leaks away. As recovering people-pleasers, we've mastered the art of negotiating our non-negotiables to keep everyone happy, everyone except ourselves.
What if your exhaustion, resentment, and that fantasy about escaping to a remote island with some goats isn't actually random? It's the direct result of repeatedly compromising on the boundaries that protect your energy, values, and wellbeing. These aren't just preferences or nice-to-haves—they're the foundation that allows you to function, thrive, and feel like yourself.
The four-step Mojo Method shared in this episode offers a practical roadmap to finally make your non-negotiables actually non-negotiable. You'll learn why your brain has been wired to abandon yourself before others can abandon you, how to recognize the exact moment you start to negotiate (that's your red flag!), and concrete strategies to hold firm even when it feels uncomfortable. Through Maya's story, you'll see how one well-placed boundary can transform not just your life but empower those around you.
Remember: your needs are not up for debate. You're not hard to love for having them—you're powerful for honoring them. Whether your non-negotiable is eight hours of sleep, no work on weekends, or being spoken to with respect, this episode is your permission slip to protect what matters. Your future self will thank you for listening.
Share this episode with your people-pleasing bestie, leave a five-star review, and don't forget to check out Mojo gummies—a natural alternative to Adderall for focus and productivity, with 15% off through the link in our show notes.
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Hey, hey, welcome back to Pocketful of Mojo, the podcast that hands your power back in bite-sized, bold little doses of truth. I'm your host, I'm Steph the Mojo Maven, and today we're coming in hot with a little love and slap for all my recovering people pleasers, boundary blurs and default yes-sayers out there. Okay, maybe not a slap, something less violent. Okay, instead, I'm going to hold your hand when I say this, because you know, listen, babes, if you're going to keep negotiating your non-negotiables, they're not non-negotiable, and that, my friend, is why you're feeling resentful, exhausted and just a little too close to the edge of burnout. So today we're diving into those non-negotiables and what they actually are. We're going to look at why we keep compromising them and how to recognize the exact amount you're doing it, which is the game changer move that you're going to want to stick around for, and, most importantly, how to stop. Stop the negotiating, even when it's uncomfortable. In fact, you're going to find out that if it's uncomfortable, then you're doing it right. This is the episode that your future self will thank you for. We're going to unpack all this and more. So let's get into it. Let's get tuned in, tapped in and turned on. Okay. So what are these non-negotiables Like? Really, we should clear it all up, because non-negotiables are the boundaries that protect these key things, the pillars, the anchors and I'm talking about the energy, your values and your well-being, because these aren't preferences, this isn't, they're not oh, it would be nice ideas. These are lines that you draw in the sand and say this is what I need to function, this is what I need to thrive and this is what I need to feel like myself, and it'll look different for everybody, but it may include something like I need my eight hours of sleep, I don't lend money to friends, no dice. Or a no phone zone at the dinner table, or not working on weekends. Being spoken to with respect can be behavioral in how you expect people to treat you, or maybe your alone time is really sacred, or you've gone so far as to commit to yourself that saying no is a guilt-free zone. Now here's the kicker, though People pleasers.
Speaker 1:We often know what our non-negotiables are, but we betray them because we prefer to keep the harmony we want to be easy to love. We love people's approval. So we take our boundaries and then we soften them and we blur the definitions as it may work out better for everybody and we explain them and we modify them based on our audience, we negotiate them and then we're sitting there wondering why we're drained and snappy and suddenly fantasizing about burning it all down and quitting everything and moving to a remote island with some goats. And we trick ourselves and we wonder how did I get here? And we'd rather wonder what's up or accuse a probable, yet fully fictional, culprit before admitting to ourselves that we've gone back on our own word. And it's funny the stories that we tell ourselves, am I right? Like it's way easier to look out the window and blame someone out there than to look in the mirror. So you want to watch out for that and if you're like me, it takes a kick in the face before we even dare to have our own non-negotiables. Seriously, if you'd asked me five years ago what my non-negotiables were, I'd probably come up with something as deep and profound as like, no pineapple on my pizza and no decaf Not exactly groundbreaking self-advocacy there. I was so fine with whatever that I had to do a lot of introspection to figure out what my core tenets even were. And thank goodness I did, and I want to keep learning about what those things are and nurture them and evolve them as I keep learning to get better at it.
Speaker 1:So let's dig up the roots of this weed of sacrifice and ask the question why do we keep compromising? Let's go a little deeper. Why do we betray our non-negotiables in the first place? Here's why we do this because we're taught that our needs are inconvenient, and then we just never unlearned that nonsense and we believe that keeping the peace is more important than keeping our peace, or that it's the same thing. And it's totally not the same thing. Because we fear being called difficult, selfish or too much. So we confuse boundaries with rejection, and we know how rejection feels and we do not like. So we no do. We say yes to everything? Well, at least we used to. Because, as we know, our brain is wired for safety and connection.
Speaker 1:When you learned, consciously or not, that honoring your own needs risked disconnection, your nervous system came up with this really cool idea to abandon yourself in lieu of being abandoned. Good one brain. Because guess what? Your brain doesn't care if it's healthy. It cares if it's predictable. So if you've been negotiating your non-negotiables for years, it's not because you're weak, it's because your brain predictable. So if you've been negotiating your non-negotiables for years. It's not because you're weak, it's because your brain thought it was keeping you safe.
Speaker 1:But if you're interested in trying something new and writing your priorities in stone and not invisible ink, then there's a moment you need to watch out for. So we're going to learn to get good at spotting the moment you start to negotiate. Then we can call flag on the play and course correct along the way. So let's talk about the moment that you start to slide. You want to listen for it and it often sounds like ah, it's just one weekend, I'll rest next week, or I'll say yes, this time. It's just easier than explaining Okay. Or maybe I know I need space right now, but they really need me. It's that split second hesitation, when your gut says no but your mouth says sure. That's your red flag. And here's what I want you to know Every time you honor a non-negotiable, you're teaching your nervous system. I got me. Now You're creating that safety, even if it's awkward, even if it disappoints someone, guess what. Give it five minutes, they'll be fine, because it's also not your job to keep other people comfortable, especially if it's at your own expense. Want me to say that again, it is not your job to keep other people comfortable at your own expense, and it doesn't get you a gold star. So how do we stop the slide? Well, how do we make our non-negotiables actually non-negotiable? Well, this is why you showed up here today. So, to get to the goods, I got them just for you.
Speaker 1:This is your four-step mojo method on how to nail down your non-negotiables. Number one you gotta to get freaking clear. Write them down on paper, in pen, and then say it out loud and keep writing it and rewriting it, saying it and re-saying it until it feels like it. You'll get a little spark, you'll feel the shift and you'll know not just what they are but why they matter. So it's one thing to say I don't answer emails after 6 pm. But to make it super effective, you want to say because I value rest and connection and being fully present at home, I don't answer emails after 6 pm. And combining those two together is the actual difference between fake it till you make it and the real transformational change being rooted in the why is always the secret sauce to change. You can write that down. Number two say them before you need them.
Speaker 1:Boundaries are not fire alarms, they're foundations. And when you know what your non-negotiables are. You create the environment for them to be respected and honored and upheld. You don't wait until you're pissed off. Let people know in calm and productive ways, like when you're working with a colleague or a client. You can be upfront, like terms and conditions. Hey, I noticed you sent me an email last night around eight. Just want to let you know and this is something I'm committed to for my own wellbeing is that I don't respond to emails after six. So what you can do is notice that when you're pissed off and take that as an indicator that this might be a new boundary that needs your attention and reinforcement and support.
Speaker 1:Moving on to number three Now, remember when I say this one is that I didn't say it would be easy. I did say it would be worth it. So here it is. Number three you got to let discomfort be part of the process. Ew, gross, right, okay, I know, but paired with awareness, you're going to start to see the discomfort as a cue and not a permanent state, because when you set a boundary and trust and, believe me, people are going to test them, and what's different this time is that you're going to feel weird enforcing them and so it doesn't mean it's wrong. It actually means that it's working Because you're unlearning a lifetime of over-functioning. Of course it's going. It actually means that it's working Because you're unlearning a lifetime of over-functioning. Of course it's going to feel like friction, but guess what friction makes Fire growth power. And on the other side of friction is alignment. Let's wrap it up with number four. Use the three breath rule. Before you say yes to anything, just pause, inhale, exhale and ask does this honor my non-negotiables? Is this a yes from my body or from my fear? Then you can answer.
Speaker 1:I want to tell you a story about Maya. Now. Maya used to be the go-to person at work, always available, always agreeable, total peach. Everyone loved her. They probably still do. She's still alive, anyway. She was a subject matter expert in pretty much everything and it felt like she was the engine of the company, and rightfully so. She'd been around a long time and she'd been in the trenches. She'd worked every job and basically trained half of her colleagues, and she worked with those people every day.
Speaker 1:But when Maya and I met, she was tired and resentful and, like she shared with me, the tipping point for her was that she found herself snapping at her dog for no reason. Point for her was that she found herself snapping at her dog for no reason. Like that was it. She caught herself and something had to give and snapping at the dog was unacceptable. So together we went through her day to day and she made some decisions around what her non-negotiables could be that would help her turn the tides so that she could get her mojo back on track. So we started really small, don't need to burn it all down. But the one question I asked Maya was if you had one non-negotiable, what would be the one that would change the game the most for you, based on what you're trying to do and where you're trying to go? So Maya wanted. Her needs included more downtime, more rest and more balance. So Maya's non-negotiable that she came up with was no work calls.
Speaker 1:After five period, five o'clock, she was out the door and her non-work life began. So at first she really struggled with this. Having a hard line on the time she put in at work made her seem lazy or like she wasn't there for the team and for the people who always relied on Maya well, for everything. They had to learn a new normal. So it was totally understandable that her team felt ignored and really felt her absence now that she wasn't like on call 24-7 like a surgeon and she was not making a surgeon wage, which kind of ticked her off too. So that really helped motivate her in upholding her new boundary. So for her existing team, she helped them navigate this shift by letting them know Without a long and drawn out explanation she didn't have a PowerPoint or anything, but she just let them know that she wouldn't be available outside work hours to put out the fires.
Speaker 1:Instead, she directed her supervisors to all the tools and phone numbers necessary to solve whatever problems came up when she wasn't there. Her tagline was call the people who are on the clock. And when those thoughts crept in that her team thought she was lazy or that she wasn't pulling her weight. No one was actually saying these things about her absence. They were invented by her imagination and this was her anxiety talking. There wasn't a single fact or evidence that people thought she was lazy or not a team player. In fact, her team responded actually really well to this new boundary and at first, yeah, they totally called after five. But here's what happened when she held the line, she got better sleep, the team stepped up, her creativity came back and, most importantly, she really started trusting herself again. And no one ever snapped at the dog, not even one more time. And that's what happens when you stop negotiating with yourself and guess what happened when she slipped or made an exception All the benefits of good sleep, empowered teammates and having your creativity on full blast it all fed her resiliency to get back on track faster.
Speaker 1:It didn't all go away. So set a boundary, hold the line, stand up for yourself and what's important to you. In time and with practice, that ick will go away and you will continue to show up stronger and clear and fully in your mojo, just as you were meant to be. Now let's lock it in. Here's a little mantra for the week my needs are not up for debate. I don't shrink to fit. I rise to meet myself. Say it again Let it land. My needs are not up for debate. I don't shrink to fit. I rise to meet myself. Well, that was a full-on boundary boot camp and soul revival all in one nespa. So if this episode lit something up for you, then hey, share it with your people-pleasing bestie. They're probably ready to stop breaking their own rules too, and maybe this is just the thing that they need to level up and you can be the Santa Claus that shows them the way. Just the thing that they need to level up and you can be the Santa Claus that shows them the way.
Speaker 1:So before you hop on to your next podcast, make sure to follow this one. Leave that five star review. It helps more than you know we got. To get the mojo out there. I need your help and definitely tag me at most definitely on Instagram with your biggest takeaway so I can shout you out and cheer you on. And if you haven't tried Mojo gummies yet, you're missing out. These gummies are a natural alternative to Adderall and really help with focus and productivity. There's a link in the show notes with 15% off and all the info and answers to the questions that you've got.
Speaker 1:And remember you're not hard to love for having needs. You're powerful for honoring them. So stop negotiating those non-negotiables, because your mojo is worth protecting. Tune in next week when we explore the comfort zone and debate whether it's friend or foe and the role that it plays in sustaining your mojo. Cool right, super important episode, because if you know how to get mojo but struggle to keep it in your pocket at all times. This will be a must. Listen, you hear me, so we'll see you next time. Stay clear, stay bold and keep those pockets full of mojo. Ciao for now. Love you, bye.
