Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Say Less. Trust More
Ready to break free from the people-pleasing habit that's draining your energy and peace? Let's tackle the compulsion to justify every decision, boundary, and "no" in your life.
Have you ever declined an invitation only to immediately launch into a detailed explanation worthy of a PowerPoint presentation? That's not politeness—it's people-pleasing in a power suit. Through personal stories and practical insights, we unpack the invisible contract many of us signed promising to justify our existence at all times. The truth? This contract made sense when survival meant staying small, but now it's time to tear it up.
Diving into fascinating neuroscience, we explore why your brain craves justification—from your amygdala's social threat detection to the dopamine hit of validation. Learn how mirror neurons create empathy overload and why cognitive dissonance keeps you stuck explaining things that need no explanation. Most importantly, discover five practical tools to break the cycle, including the revolutionary "power of the period" technique that lets your boundaries stand strong without explanations.
The most powerful realization? You're not a walking TED talk or a defendant in court—you're a whole person whose choices are valid without a spotlight. Stop shrinking for other people's comfort and start trusting yourself. Your mojo is loudest when you honor your truth without justification. Ready to say less and trust more? Listen now and reclaim your energy and confidence with every boundary you set.
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Hey friend, you better buckle up, buttercup, cause. Today we're going straight for the people pleasing jugular. If you've ever over explained a decision or or the old classic spiraling into guilt just for saying no, or maybe you felt compelled to go into great detail just to justify something that didn't really need a press release, well, this episode's got your name all over it. Today we're talking about a sneaky little habit that robs your energy and your peace like a shadow with sticky fingers, and that's the need to justify everything, not just to others, but also to yourself. Let's talk about it, let's challenge it and let's finally drop it, but we're going to do it with like love and clarity and we're going to skip the guilt. Today we're going to learn to say less and trust more. I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven. Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo. And we come here to get tuned in, tapped in and turned on.
Speaker 1:Now let's start with this. You know that awkward feeling that you get when you tell someone I can't make it and then immediately feel the need to follow it up with a PowerPoint presentation-worthy breakdown of why. Yeah, that's not being polite, that is people-pleasing in a power suit. Somewhere along the way, whether it's through our education or just the way that we observed life when we were kids, like the subtle cues that we picked up on. It's like we signed this invisible contract that says I will justify my existence, my decisions and my boundaries at all times, or else I'm being selfish or rude or flaky. Now guess what? I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that that contract isn't legally binding and it's definitely not healthy. But it's also understandable, and I know it's taken me a good minute to unpack that fake contract and forgive myself for flexing and bending in ways that neglected me and the person that I really was and the person that I wanted to become. But the truth is is that the contract made total sense at the time Because, remember, that contract was written in a season of your life where maybe survival meant staying small and being agreeable. But, babe, you're not there anymore.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you a story. I don't know if you've seen that meme where there's like a side-by-side of people's out-of-office emails and the difference between a European's and a North American's, but it goes something like this the European email will write I'm away camping for the summer, email me again in September, whereas the North American email looks more like I'll be out of the office for two hours this afternoon getting a kidney removed. But if you need immediate assistance, here's my cell number. Now, this story is a little something like that, but my friend wasn't getting a kidney moved, she just had the audacity to ask for a couple of days off. Here's what happened.
Speaker 1:So a few years ago, I watched my friend stress for hours, hours, over an email to her boss asking for two vacation days. She wrote this email seven times. Each version included more and more detail why she needed the time off. She was going to make up the hours and pull long days before going on the holiday and that she'd still be reachable and that she also was going to be taking her cat to the vet. And I was just like, what are you talking about? And I asked her why she was including all of this in my most like we listen and we don't judge kind of way. And she just so earnestly said, like I don't want them to think that I'm slacking, but she wasn't slacking, she was exhausted and she had the time off available and she needed a break. But that doesn't matter. Most importantly, that should have been enough. And eventually she sent the email she trimmed it down, I might add, and her boss replied with thanks for the heads up, enjoy All that, all that. And that's when it hit her. She was doing all this for an imaginary jury that just didn't exist.
Speaker 1:So if you've ever found yourself wondering why you're in the dump sometimes or why you're not feeling great about yourself, there's a cost to all this over-explaining. Because here's the problem when you constantly justify your decisions, you send a subtle message that I don't really trust myself. So let me convince you, and you might think that the impact that you're making is how the other person perceives you. But plot twist, the biggest impact this message has isn't on the other person. The deepest cut is the one you're making on yourself.
Speaker 1:And, trust me, over time this adds up, it drains your confidence, it dilutes your boundaries and it keeps you in this cycle of self-doubt, and that is hard to break. Like it drains your confidence. It drains your confidence because you're going to see people check out halfway through your laundry list of reasons, and this is the harsh truth because, sorry, most people don't care, and not in a mean way, but honestly, people think about themselves more than anybody else. And if it doesn't, if your reasons don't directly impact them, then my observation has been generally that if they know you, they trust that there's probably a good reason why you have to say no to the thing or whatever, and they don't really need to know what that is. And it dilutes your boundaries, because boundaries are statements, not invitations for debate.
Speaker 1:And I saw this amazing quote the other day. It says a real boundary doesn't beg to be understood. It stands on what's true, and we're going to unpack that one a little bit more in a bit, but when we're talking about the cost, the toll it takes. What's even worse is that when you become identified as an over-explainer, you attract people that expect you to explain yourself. Check it every fucking time. So let me say this clearly for the people in the back you are allowed to say no, you are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to need rest or space or solitude without needing a permission slip from anybody.
Speaker 1:So let's bring in some neuroscience, because understanding what your brain is actually doing when you over explain can be a total game changer for recovering people. Pleasers and some of us need to like show our work. We need to see how we get to where we're going. So this is the part of the podcast where I get to nerd out on the science behind why we do what we do. So I can chip away at the sometimes overwhelming culpability that we put on ourselves. When we identify a trait of ourselves, like over explaining, we can start to really be hard on ourselves. So I'm here to lighten the load and remind you that we're complex human beings. So let's look at it. Let's look at why your brain wants to justify everything, even when you know that you don't have to. So there's this thing called the social survival system. So I talked about the amygdala. That's a part of your brain. I talked about that in the last episode and she got some opinions.
Speaker 1:Your amygdala is the part of your brain that's responsible for picking up on threats. So if you're in trouble, this guy pops into action. But as we've evolved from hunter-gatherers to city mice, it doesn't just watch for physical danger Hmm, oh good. It also responds to social threats like rejection and disapproval or disappointing other people. Hmm, isn't that fun. So for people pleasers, especially those of us who had to earn our love or affection or safety, saying no can feel like a threat, even if you're safe, even if all the physical indications say that everything's okay. Just the act of contradiction. That amygdala is going to light up and it's going to send you the message that if you don't explain yourself, they're going to think less of you and they're going to make judgments and you're going to lose that connection. Panic. And then the end result, the output, is that you over-explained to calm that threat, even when the danger is totally imaginary. But the soothing balm of over-explaining doesn't do the job that you think it does.
Speaker 1:Then the next fancy word I dug up was cognitive dissonance. So which translates to your brain hates internal conflict. So you've got a prefrontal cortex and that's the logic house of your brain and it wants your actions to match your values. But if you set a boundary for the first time in forever, you're going to feel guilty about it, because that's cognitive dissonance. Your brain feels off balance, it doesn't recognize this behavior. So when your brain says, quick, explain yourself, justify it, just so that you can feel okay again, this pattern actually keeps you in a loop. You set the boundary, you feel guilty, so you justify it, and then that brings relief. So you feel confident enough to set a boundary again. It doesn't break the pattern, it feeds it. Now the third thing that our brain does. That's super cool and is also super confusing. Now, the third thing that our brain does that's super cool and is also super confusing there's this thing called mirror neurons, and what it is? It's empath overload, because people pleasers often have a strong mirror neuron system. And these are actual neurons that help you feel what other people feel, which is great for empathy. But when you get into your imagination and you start to anticipate how someone might feel remember, the future is fiction you're imagining how someone else is going to feel if you say no or draw a line or set a boundary, and so you project, you go into the future and you're like, oh, I'm going to disappoint them and it's going to feel like this, and your body sends you all the feelings of being disappointed. So you go to that soothing place of explaining and softening and sugarcoating to ease the emotional discomfort that you're experiencing through them. Thanks, brain. But this isn't weakness, this is just your untrained emotional boundaries. And those are the moments where you can remind yourself feelings aren't facts and really ask yourself the question whose feelings are these? What am I feeling and whose are they? Which takes us to number four. Mixing dopamine and people-pleasing is a messy little cocktail. Every time someone validates your over-explanation like, oh, thanks for explaining, that makes sense now, your brain gets a dopamine hit and that reward reinforces that behavior and keeps you coming back for more. And over time your brain is going to learn that explaining equals good feelings. Keep doing it, even though it's costing you peace and clarity and confidence. It's taking care of the little stuff, but it's forgetting about the big picture, which takes us to the rewire. What do we do about all this? Our brain is going to do what our our brain is gonna do, but with some awareness we're gonna be able to see it coming, identify it when it shows up and know what to do. So this is how we calm that justification reflex. First, you gotta name it. Name it to tame it, name the threat response. When you feel the urge to explain, you just gotta tell yourself. Put on your little lab coat and glasses and say this is just my amygdala trying to keep me safe, but I'm not in danger. Me and science, we got this. This is chemistry happening. Let's see what happens if I don't explain. And you can use this using the five second pause. Before you explain anything, take one big, deep breath in ask yourself is this for connection or is this for approval? Am I explaining myself, to inform someone of something that they need to know, or am I just making a good case for why I'm doing what I'm doing? And if you find yourself in some discomfort, you can try to reframe it. So instead of saying they might think I'm rude, which A wouldn't be the end of the world, you could also try. I'm building new patterns. This discomfort feels unfamiliar, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Embrace some gray Things. Don't have to be right or wrong, and nobody's policing you as hard as you think they are. And then, when it comes to boundaries, just keep them real clean. Keep them short, keep them clear, keep them kind. The less you explain, the more that your brain is going to learn. I can survive this. I don't need to be understood, to be respected, and oftentimes it's not a hill that we're trying to die on here. It's just like I'm not going to go to the movies, period. They don't need to know whether it's because you're tired, because you don't want to see the movie, or because you don't like that girl's boyfriend or whatever. You just don't need to explain it. So there's a bonus science mantra here that you can lean on as an extra little padded protection, and it's I'm not rewiring for perfection, I'm rewiring for peace. And just like, as you say that, like my, my shoulders drop a little bit and it's just like I'm doing this because this, and like there's a strength and a release that comes from that mantra. I'm not rewiring for perfection, I'm rewiring for peace. So let's get into the practical mojo. Five ways to stop justifying everything. So this is where we do what we do best here at Pocket Bullet Mojo and get into some real mojo moves. Here are five tools that are going to help you shift out of justification mode and into some grounded, confident, unbothered era type of stuff. Okay, here we go. Number one practice the power of the period. End the sentence I'm not available that day, period no, but no, because no weather forecast or sob story. Just let your words land, trust. Trust that they're enough. Number two notice the panic pattern when you feel the urge to explain, pause and ask am I sharing this for clarity or am I performing for approval? That little pause can change everything. I find that this pops up for me when I'm with my older brothers, like we all revert back to when we were like 4, 10, and 12. And if I don't catch myself, I'd be performing Number three. We're going to go back to a mantra Try this one. My choices don't need a spotlight to be valid. And you want to say this one when you get the urge to over explain, when that comes creeping in, this is the antidote my choices don't need a spotlight to be valid. Number four rehearse Practice. Practice in the mirror, practice in the car. Rehearse respectful boundaries. If you're worried about sounding rude, I got a template for you. You can lean on this one. Thanks for understanding. I won't be joining, but I hope it goes great. Thanks for understanding. I won't be joining, but I hope it goes great. See Friendly clear no guilt baked in, and notice how the word sorry isn't in there either. It's instead gratitude. Thank you for understanding. This is my desired response. Thank you for meeting that. You're setting a bar. I won't be joining Crystal clear. You hope it goes great. Positive and uplifting. Nailed it and all those are great for when you're interacting with the outside world. But number five is actually number one most important, because you got to validate yourself first, and validation isn't bad, it's just been misdirected. So instead of trying to get that validation from everyone else. Try a little crazy thing for me offer it to yourself. Say this matters to me and it's valid. I choose this with intention and I trust that and that kind of self-talk. That is where confidence gets built. That's mojo and funny thing about validation the more you give it to yourself, the less you need it from the outside world and the more delicious it becomes when you do receive it from the outside world, because it sprinkles at this point when you've really done the work to prioritize yourself and really ground yourself in knowing what does and doesn't work for you, where your lines are drawn in the sand. That doesn't come overnight, but the quote, unquote work that it takes to get to know yourself well enough to know what those boundaries are. Oh, that's just the best way to spend your time Every time. Let me leave you with this Hard truth you're not a walk in TED talk, okay. You're not a defendant in court, I hope and you're not an unpaid PR rep for your own decisions, All right. You are a whole, grown, beautiful, powerful person and the most revolutionary thing that you can do sometimes is just say this is what I've chosen and leave it there. You don't owe anyone a full explanation or your entire resume for living your life in alignment with your values, with your bandwidth or your truth. Sometimes validation feels good. Validation is not a bad word and we all need a little validation now and then, but you don't need it to know your worth. So I hope this episode hit home for you and I hope it gave you some freedom back and a whole lot of permission to stop shrinking for other people's comfort. We don't do that anymore. And remember your mojo is loudest when you trust yourself. When you tune in like that, your mojo is going to tell you everything you need to know. So if you've loved today's conversation, why don't you just I don't know just share it with a fellow recovering people, pleaser. And if you want some extra good mojo, then you can leave us a review. It really helps us grow and helps other people find their mojo. You know, don't you want to live in a world with more mojo? I know I do. Speaking of which, have I mentioned mojo gummies lately? You know your delicious little sidekick as you continue to set boundaries and slay the day. If you haven't heard of them, they are the best. They are an amazing high quality mushroom, herb and root combination, and they help you boost cognition and reduce brain fog and even help improve productivity, and, honestly, I could not make this podcast without them. So hit the link in the show notes for 15% off your next moment of clarity. And be sure to tune in next week when we are going to flip the script a little bit, because it's time to talk about how to take up space, like you pay rent on it Because you do in your life, in relationships, in every damn room you walk into. So until next time, I want you to keep your head high, say less trust more, never apologize for protecting your peace and keep your pockets full of mojo. That's it for me, my friend. This has been, steph, your mojo maven, telling you to stay fabulous and go rock the day. Ciao, for now. Love you Bye.
