Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
Say the Thing: Why You're Avoiding It, and Why You Shouldn't
Have you ever felt that familiar stomach flip, tight chest, and sudden urge to scroll Instagram when faced with potential conflict? You're not alone. In this illuminating exploration of why we avoid difficult conversations, we uncover the surprising truth: conflict isn't the enemy—avoidance is.
Throughout this episode, we dismantle the myth that keeping the peace means swallowing your truth. Most of us don't avoid conflict because we don't care; we avoid it because we care too much. We've been conditioned to believe that speaking up is dangerous, disrespectful, or "not nice." But what if this avoidance is actually causing more harm than the conflict itself? What if those unspoken words are weighing you down more than you realize?
I share a powerful framework for approaching difficult conversations with courage and clarity. You'll learn concrete steps to express your feelings without creating defensiveness, how to listen effectively even when emotions run high, and why specificity trumps vague complaints every time. The episode features a moving story about Maya, whose one brave conversation transformed not just her work environment but how colleagues perceived her capabilities. Her journey from conflict-avoidant to confidently assertive demonstrates exactly what's possible when we face our fears.
Ready to step into your "conflict with confidence" era? This episode provides the practical tools and mindset shifts you need to transform those challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. Because when you finally say the thing you've been avoiding, you don't just clear the air—you reclaim your voice, your energy, and your truth. Subscribe now and share with someone who needs this message. What conversation will you have today that your future self will thank you for?
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just say the thing, why you're avoiding it and why you shouldn't. Hey you, welcome back to another episode of pocket full of mojo, the podcast that keeps it real, keeps it honest and keeps it moving straight through the mess, the magic and everything in between. Today we're diving into a topic that most people would rather eat a cold dinner in a wet sock than deal with. Yep, we're talking about conflict. Ugh, even saying the word can bring a stomach flick, a tight chest that I need to go scroll on Instagram for no reason, kind of avoidance energy. But stick with me, because this episode is not here to freak you out. It's here to set you free. So settle in, because we're about to step into our conflict with confidence era. So let's get tuned in, tapped in and turned on. Confidence era. So let's get tuned in, tapped in and turned on. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between. I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven, and today we're going to step into our power, get ahead of what holds us back and unpack this crazy thing called conflict and forge ahead on our own terms so we can live a life we love without compromise.
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to conflict, let's start by calling out the big truth Most people don't avoid conflict because they don't care. They avoid it because they care too much. Now, my people pleasers know that a big part of this is about how they'll be perceived, about not hurting someone, about not rocking the boat, or because they've been taught, either directly or indirectly, that conflict is bad, it's dangerous, it's disrespectful or not nice. Sound familiar? Yes, my recovering people pleasers out there. You know who you are. It's disrespectful or not nice. Sound familiar. Yes, my recovering people pleasers out there. You know who you are.
Speaker 1:Conflict can feel like a betrayal of your identity. You've been told your whole life that your job is to keep the peace, to smooth things over, to be agreeable, to don't be too much, and maybe they didn't say this to you directly, but perhaps more subtly by the way that your family or your teachers set their expectations of your behavior and then no one came back around to give you permission to take up more space to say what's on your mind. But here's the kicker Avoiding conflict doesn't keep the peace, it just buries the war underground. Because here's the real tea Conflict isn't the problem, avoiding it is. By the end of this podcast, you'll see that the real enemy isn't the conflict, it's the avoiding of the conflict. That's what we need to be scared of. We need to be scared of that person inside you that supports the delulu that if you ignore it long enough, it just might go away. That's the real enemy. So what conflict really is. Let's reframe this right now.
Speaker 1:Conflict is not a crisis. It's a crossroads, it's a conversation. It's a necessary one. It just happens to be a necessary one that we don't want to have. So, if we want to take the emotion out of it, it's the meeting point of two truths. It's what happens when boundaries bump and when values meet.
Speaker 1:Resistance, when something matters enough to speak up about Conflict, is a sign that something important is happening. Now. I remember when I worked at Starbucks we took this leadership course and it was actually called Fierce Conversations and it's this great workshop based on the work of Susan Scott, and the course emphasizes that conversation is the relationship and that avoiding hard truths or sugarcoating feedback ultimately ends up harming both people in the process. Like remember the shit sandwich feedback model you tell them something nice to kind of set the tone, and then you tell them the hard truth and then you finish with a compliment or something so that it goes down easier and you leave them feeling good. Talk about sending mixed signals, but this was a refreshing, no-bullshit approach that wasn't harsh, just direct and practical. And conflict is also where relationships get real, not fake, not surface level, not polite, for show, actually real, authentic, tested, strengthened or, if necessary, ended. And yeah, that's okay too. But here's what conflict isn't. It's not about being aggressive, it's not about winning or losing and it's not about controlling anyone. It's about clarity, courage and connection.
Speaker 1:Now there's this myth of keeping the peace. Raise your hand. If you've ever said it's just not worth a fight, now ask yourself was it really not worth it or did it just feel uncomfortable to bring up? Because here's what I've learned when we don't speak up, we don't keep the peace, we just keep the performance and we're actually keeping the problem to ourself. And you know what real peace is? It's when your insides and your outsides match, when you can say I feel this and it gets heard, respected and responded to.
Speaker 1:So what's stopping you from having the tough conversation? Well, let's unpack the real reasons we duck out of the difficult conversations. And spoiler alert, it's a lot deeper than just not wanting drama, because, while that's probably true and easy to lean on. Let's unpack what's really going on, because first there's the fear of disconnection. There's that voice in your head that says, if I say how I really feel, they're going to walk away. But the truth here is is that if someone leaves you because you spoke your truth with kindness and clarity, babe, they were already halfway out the door. Real relationships can handle real talk.
Speaker 1:And if you are confronted by this fear coming true, remember that they may just want some temporary distance, some time to digest and reflect before coming back, or maybe they won't, but either way, you've shown yourself a tremendous amount of respect by saying how you feel. The right thing to do is always the right thing to do. Then there's the feeling of being too much. Now, kings, queens, in-betweens, let's retire this lie once and for all. You are not too much. Maybe your truth is too heavy for their comfort zone, but that's on them, not on you. If anything, this is a key indicator that you're not in the right room. You've outgrown the nest you've built and it's time to find a new tribe. What's that saying? If I'm too much, go find less, let them be them. You do, you?
Speaker 1:Or maybe you're trying to tackle that fear of the unknown? What if it goes badly? What if they explode? What if I cry? Yeah, yeah, all of that might happen the imagination's playground. But you know what's worse? Yeah, all of that might happen, the imagination's playground. But you know what's worse Carrying the weight of what you didn't say day after day after day. Think about it. Door number one you spending days and days of worry and fret and distraction, bathing in the unknown and letting this run amok on your nervous system. Door number two putting on your big person pants and having five minutes of discomfort while you say the hard thing get clarity on the situation. Tap into your courage, babe.
Speaker 1:The math here it's a no-brainer and real talk. Have I cried during difficult conversations? Almost all of them? Did they explode? Not even once Did the world keep spinning and my heart keep beating. You, betcha, but you got to do the thing in order to get to the other side of it.
Speaker 1:One thing that used to trip me up was the fear of fumbling the words and not being super clear. But guess what? You're allowed to stumble, you're allowed to say look, this is hard for me to talk about and I might not say it perfectly, but I care enough to try Now that line alone total magic. Try it, and listen to me when I tell you you don't have to know exactly how the conversation is going to go before you have it. You're asking yourself of the impossible. How could you possibly know what they're going to say? So trust yourself enough to know that in the moment you're going to know what to say Because you'll be speaking from the heart and you'll be spitting those true facts and nothing can mess with that. And it's okay to say I don't know. It's actually freeing.
Speaker 1:So let's look at some of the signs that you're long overdue for a hard conversation. Let's play a little game I like to call. If you're feeling this, it's time to speak up. If you're replaying a conversation in your head like 12 times, it's time to speak up. If you keep replaying a conversation in your head like 12 times, it's time to speak up. If you keep imagining what you should have said, it's time to speak up. If you feel resentment but you mask it with a smile, it's time to speak up. If you're avoiding someone that you used to be close with, it's time to speak up. Or maybe you start setting silent boundaries, like not answering texts or slowly disappearing Darling. It's time to speak up. My friends, these are all emotional smoke signals, the fire, that conversation that you're not having. So let's look at how to actually do it. All right, let's get down to the how. Here's your pocketful of mojo blueprint for having the tough convo.
Speaker 1:Step one check your motive Before you speak. Ask yourself, what do I want out of this? If your goal is to shame or to prove someone wrong or to get revenge, pause, breathe and recalibrate. You want to aim for clarity, understanding or resolution, not domination, then it's time to move into step number two Own your feelings. Use I statements always. No one can argue with your feelings, like I felt hurt when this happened, or I need more honesty in our communication, or I'm feeling disconnected and I miss how things used to be. Then you can move into step three Be specific, not vague. Don't say things like you're always rude, even though it might be true, but you can say instead when you interrupted me during the meeting today, I felt dismissed. You're capturing a moment in time that actually happened, and what specifics do is they reduce the ability for the other person to be defensive, and it just helps things get clear.
Speaker 1:Then you've done the big hard thing. You've launched the ball and now it's your turn to pause and listen, because you're not delivering a monologue. You're creating a two-way street. You need to leave space, give yourself a chance to breathe and catch your breath and let your heart stop beating outside of your chest. But you've got to be ready to hear their side Because, on the side note, listening doesn't mean agreeing. It just means that you're actively respecting their side of the street, which allows you to create the environment for step five Stay curious.
Speaker 1:When someone responds with something surprising or upsetting, respond with curiosity, not emotion or judgment. You can say things like help me understand where that's coming from, or that's not how I saw it. Could you tell me more? Boom, dialogue unlocked. So what if they don't react? Well, well, you can do all the right things and someone can still blow up or shut down or ghost you, but that's not a sign that you messed up. That's a sign of their capacity.
Speaker 1:Your job is to say what you have to say with respect and to be clear about it. Their reaction is theirs to manage. Your job is to keep your side of the street clean, know your objective and what you want out of the conversation. So that's really all you're responsible for. You're not in charge of their feelings and you'll want to make room for them to have their feelings, while honoring your own. And let's be clear boundaries are not mean they're clean. You're allowed to say this isn't working for me and walk away if someone is consistently choosing disrespect over dialogue. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Speaker 1:So when does it get easier? Well, let's look at what can happen when conflict brings you closer, because you're here for the juicy bits. So let's check out what happens when two people lean into conflict with courage and care, because there has to be an upside to all this heavy lifting. Well, I'm not here to disappoint. So here's the good news when you slay the dragon and have the tough conversation, trust deepens, and I say this all the time. Trust doesn't happen when things are easy. It happens when things are hard, and this is a chance for that. There's something really sacred about weathering a hard moment together and coming out stronger, whether it's with your partner, your best friend, your co-worker or that family member who always pushes your buttons. Look, there's potential for connection, and it lives on the other side of discomfort. I've seen friendships go from surface level to soul deep because of one real raw conversation. I've seen teams work better, marriages heal and people finally feel seen, not because everything was perfect, but because the air was cleared. And I want to add a sassy little side note Conflict isn't just for relationships.
Speaker 1:Sometimes the conversation that you need to have is with yourself, with that part of you that keeps tolerating what you've outgrown, with that part of you that stays small to avoid upsetting other people, with that part of you that says I'm fine when you're clearly not. Those internal battles they matter, even if they're silent battles. So this is your cue to give yourself the same honesty, clarity and compassion that you're giving other people. So if it's been a minute since you've checked in with yourself and you're finding there's a fierce conversation inside of you waiting to happen, but you don't know how, it's all good, you've got this.
Speaker 1:Make a date with yourself this week and write it in your calendar and take yourself out for that walk no podcast, no music, no noise in your head, just you and your inner dialogue. Then you can commit to unpacking that conversation you started with yourself but you abandoned because it was uncomfortable. Or there might be some tough truths kicking around just waiting for you to take the next step. Do it, get out of limbo. You deserve to have that talk with yourself.
Speaker 1:Take the time to figure out what's up, forgive yourself for waiting too long to address it and commit to some positive change, because this is for you and you deserve to put that annoying conversation to rest, give your mental real estate a little bit of room to breathe and find some clarity on whatever it is that's bugging you, and whether this conversation is with yourself or with someone else, I've come up with some magic mantras to help you manage your conflict with mojo. These are some of the ones that I use that hopefully will be there for you too. So when it's time to speak up, just remind yourself I can do hard things with love. Tell yourself that discomfort is not danger. That's a good one. I really like that one, because our brain tries to trick us sometimes, and sometimes we listen. Or you can say to yourself I am not responsible for how others feel about my truth. That one's really empowering. And just remember that silence is not peace and honesty is a kindness.
Speaker 1:So before you go, I want to tell you a story. I want to tell you about Maya Now. I worked with Maya for a long time and she left our office for a big promotion at this other company and we got along super well because we both had big time people pleasing tendencies and we shared a lot of late nights doing all the extra work and that we didn't have the balls to ask someone else to do someone else to do. Anyway, maya went on to this new job and she spent years avoiding conflict at work and I would hear about it all the time. And it started right away because she didn't want to rock the boat. She was the new girl. She'd stay late, she'd pick up slack, she'd swallow her opinions that I would end up hearing all about and she would let all these little things slide, all in the name of being a good team player. But we would meet for coffee and she would tell me all about the new job and all the work stories.
Speaker 1:And I could tell that right beneath the surface things weren't right. I could tell that inside she was a little bit bitter, a little bit burnt out and if I really looked at it she was secretly resenting her whole office. So then one day she told me about this awful meeting that she was in, where she kept trying to assert herself on a subject that she was the expert in, and she kept getting interrupted, talked over and mansplained. And on top of that, her manager wrapped up the meeting with a throwaway comment about her not speaking up at meetings. Ugh, snap, that was it. The dam broke. So I'm like eating my popcorn while she's telling me about this. And she told me okay, it's like, what did you do? And she's like, okay, I took a breath.
Speaker 1:I went back to my office she's like I had a little cry and then I booked a one on one with my manager and when she booked the one-on-one, she was like all fired up in her head and she was going to go in guns blazing. But then, when the moment came for her to sit with her boss, she took a deep breath, she stepped over the fear and she just told the truth. She didn't rage, she didn't cry, which I'm super pumped about for her. She just laid it all out. She talked about how she felt overlooked and gave some examples, and she talked about how this made her feel afraid to speak and linked that back to the comment that the manager had given her in that meeting. And then she just said outright that she wanted more clarity and more feedback. And you know what happened Her manager listened. Her manager was shocked but grateful, and then together they came up with a new plan and she ended up getting like regular check-ins with her manager and extra support. And she ended up getting an assistant, because nobody knew how much extra work Maya was doing because she kept her mouth shut. And just like that, things changed. Maya didn't burn the bridge, she rebuilt it and in doing so she reshaped her relationships in the office. She reframed how people saw her and this allowed her to show even more of her capacity and even more of her talent. And now she walks into the office like a rock star. And that is the power of one brave conversation.
Speaker 1:So for your final mojo, truth bomb, remember, conflict isn't the enemy. Avoidance is. When you face something that you're afraid to say, you actually reclaim your voice, your energy and your truth. Conflict doesn't have to be a battlefield. It can be a bridge or, even better, it can be a ladder, a way forward, a way up, a moment of growth, a turning point. So the next time your stomach flips and your throat tightens and you want to run, pause, breathe, channel your inner mojo and say the thing you got this and, just like that, you've got your very own pocketful of mojo, and if this episode sparked something for you, hit, subscribe, share it with your people and maybe, just maybe, have that conversation that you've been avoiding, because a real connection lives on the other side of real talk. I'm going to catch you next time, but until then, stay bold, stay kind and stay full of mojo. That's it for now. This has been, steph, your mojo maven. We'll see you next time. Ciao, for now, you.
