Pocketful of Mojo
Pocketful of Mojo
How to Stop Apologizing for Existing
This episode examines the difference between fitting in and belonging while empowering listeners to reclaim their authentic selves. Through personal anecdotes and practical tools, we encourage stopping the habit of unneeded apologies and embracing self-love, helping listeners transform their mindset and actions.
• Understanding self-love and its relationship with societal roles
• Differentiating between fitting in and belonging
• The significance of a full moon practice for releasing limiting beliefs
• The importance of reclaiming your voice and space
• Acknowledging the health risks tied to suppressing authenticity
• Setting intentions for a more empowered life
• Practical steps for nurturing self-worth and joy
Be sure to check out Alina - @alinainwinnipeg (Astrotherapist for women) - she's the inspo for the full moon activity!
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self-love is not self-made. It's not just about how we show up for ourselves. It's about how we show up in the world as ourselves. We live in a society that is heavily based on roles. You're a wife, you're a husband, you're a sister, you're a brother, you're a mother, you're a father, you're a plumber, you're an author, you're a doctor. All of these roles depend on how other people see you, but none of these roles are worth a damn if you're not you. You exist, you have value. You are worthy of expressing your wishes, your desires, your opinions, not so that you can fit in, but so that you can find the place in the world where you truly belong. Today we're going to look at the difference between fitting in and belonging, and what happens when we live safe and live small and practical tips to identify where we can flip the script and get back to owning. The most important role there is the role of being your true self. It's time to change the tides. We are in a unique point in history, so if you want to be part of the revolution, stay tuned. Let's get our hands on some of that mojo.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo, where you're you and I'm Steph, and we tune in here to tap into some mojo. And if you're new here and asking what's mojo, well, mojo is that feeling of unshakable confidence, that booming self-worth. Like you're an unstoppable force of nature, and I'm here to show you how you can have that feeling every single day. And, the best part, you can do it too. You're ready, you can start right from where you are. You see, I think I've cracked the code to being happy. I'm happy all the freaking time Every day, at least most of the day, possibly to an annoying degree. But hey, I wasn't always this way, not to flex, but I have had multiple breakdowns on multiple continents and in two languages. Look, three years ago, my whole life was a dumpster fire. I lost my marriage and I lost my mom within weeks of each other. I left a home in France that I love and I had to start from the bottom, start from scratch. And today I'm better than I've ever been, and I know that you're asking well, how to do that? Well, by paying attention and by living with more intention. And so I've created this self-love first aid kit, and it's full of amazing tools that help me level up, navigate life with that main character energy and navigate life's ups and downs, with grace and awareness that I have everything I need. And a hot take here you have everything you need and I'm not here to gatekeep. I want to show you how you can too. In fact, I'm on a mission. I want to help you tap into your best stuff and remember that you have everything that you need to live your own life on your own terms. So in today's episode, we're going to replace our usual mantra work with some full moon fever. We're going to uncover why we live small and play safe and, finally, we're going to learn how to flip the script on living apologetically and step into our power. What a delicious menu of topics. I'm feeling fired up. So, without further ado, let's get to the part where your mojo meets the road. Let's get to the part where your mojo meets the road.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to Pocketful of Mojo. Once again, I'm Steph. I'm your mojo maven, your emotional Sherpa, that friend that you can talk to about your feelings, and I'm so glad you're here. Quick reminder am I a therapist? No, do I have a degree in psychology? Also, no, I'm a flawed human and a recovering people pleaser who's just figured out how to tap into our best stuff. We're literally born with everything that we need, so I'm here to remind you of how awesome you are and point you in the direction of some tools that will help you remember that you're worthy to live the life you love and love the life you live you in, let's go.
Speaker 1:So today I want to do something a little different. We're here today, the 13th of February and coming in hard to a full moon, and I have the privilege of knowing a fabulous woman, alina Ramazanova, a brilliant astrotherapist, who is a fountain of amazing knowledge and insight, and thanks to her, I was inspired to do the special practice for the full moon and I wanted to share it with you. It's about releasing what no longer serves you and leaning into the themes of a full moon in Leo, which are self-expression, creativity, courage and all the good things that make you your authentic self, and release the things that don't serve you. So her recommended activity is one that I did last night and I wanted to share it with you, and so the activity starts with a little bit of you time, a moment where it's just you and your thoughts, undistracted, uninterrupted, and if you can do that, it's already a win. I know it can be hard. It took me three tries, but with intention, this is going to change the game.
Speaker 1:So the next thing you want to do is grab a pen, piece of paper old school and reflect and capture what you want to release. What's holding you back? What are the fears, the habits, the grudges, the old patterns that you want to get rid of? Think about what situations, people, thoughts, limiting beliefs, what have you been carrying around that could use the old heave-ho? Write it all down. Let your heart and mind guide your pen. I did this myself last night and I wanted to share with you what it looks like. So here we go February full moon release.
Speaker 1:I want to let go of my fear, release me from this chapter. I want to release my sedentary habits. I want to release my late night cravings. I want to release my inexperience and insecurity around asking for what I want. I want to release my money blocks and step into financial abundance and wealth knowledge. I want to release my money blocks and step into financial abundance and wealth knowledge. I want to release my resentment of my situation. I want to release my limiting beliefs and be more curious and maintain productivity. I want to let go of any negative self-image, self-talk I have and step into my power and courage. I want to let go of my need for perfection and order and control. I want to release the unhealthy habits that diminish my worth by settling for less. So there you go.
Speaker 1:That's my list. That's my agreement between myself and the universe that I give permission to no longer engage with those things that don't define me, that no longer make sense to me, and that now I have the awareness that they aren't helping me get where I want to go and they might even be slowing me down. And now we burn the list. You see, fire is the moon's element, so we enter a contract and a conversation with all that full moon's energy, so it can help guide our new actions and new commitments, and we can do this with the wind on our back.
Speaker 1:Alina is also really clear to be mindful about giving yourself some grace during the full moon. Give yourself extra permission to rest, meditate, do some breath, work and just generally be a bit more gentle with yourself. Thanks, moon, don't have to ask me twice. So, as I safely burn my list, I wish for myself and for you, sweet listener, that this be a time of positive change, personal transformation for the better, and growth beyond your imagination. Thank you again to Alina for this powerful exercise. I've tagged her in the show notes, so be sure to check her out. She is a daily source of inspiration for me and she has so much insight and value that she brings to the world. You will learn something from her, guaranteed Ugh. I'm feeling lighter already. Now let me be clear.
Speaker 1:This next statement is for everyone. Women in particular have been programmed not to say no. I was listening to Gabor Mate the other day and he was referencing a study that followed 2,000 women. The women that were unhappily married and stayed but didn't express their feelings, were, get this, four times more likely to die than those who were in unhappy marriages and did say something. Now, they were still unhappy, but they lived their authentic truth. The takeaway here is that the issue isn't happiness, it's authenticity. Keeping your feelings bottled, your thoughts and ideas unexpressed, is possibly one of the most toxic things that we can do to ourselves, and society pushes us to be this way. But we can stand up, we can take up space, we can rebel against these old systems, and I don't know about you, but I signed no contract saying that I would uphold these systems that are designed to keep me down. So the key takeaway here say no more often, honor yourself. Now the title of this episode how to Stop Apologizing for Existing a wee bit dramatic, I will give you that, but it's intended to be a bit jarring. Let's have a closer look.
Speaker 1:When it comes to the difference between fitting in and belonging, they couldn't be more different, despite sounding like exactly the same thing. You see, fitting in is when you make accommodations to go with the flow Holding back a comment here, repressing a feeling or two there, then making yourself just the right size to make sure that you're in harmony with those around you and compatible and palpable for the environment, that you're in Smooth sailing, easy breezy. As a long-practiced people pleaser, this was pretty much my MO for many, many years, and I could never understand why my accommodations never left me feeling less lonely, no matter how many spaces I tried to fit into. But then I learned about belonging Now. Belonging is being in a room that lights you up. It's talking with someone and seeing their eyes widen with interest when you talk about something you're passionate about, or starting a conversation and holding space for each other, and in the blink of an eye, two hours have gone by Now. When I put belonging under a microscope, I was able to pick out a few things that happen in a room where you belong as opposed to one where you fit in.
Speaker 1:And when you belong, you're being true to yourself, you're laughing without holding back, you're sharing your quirks and you feel safe doing it, and you feel seen and heard. When someone says I get it, I feel that way too and you know that they mean it. When there's like inside jokes and shared moments and like you share a look with someone and you know that they just get it, or you both crack up because you share the same joke, there's that mutual support and no scorekeeping. You know knowing that you can call someone at two in the morning and they'd show up for you and hold space for you with no questions, no guilt. It's having someone in your life that will cheer just as loudly for your small victories as for the big ones. It's people who walk in when everyone else is walking out. There's no mask, there's no performance. You can show up on your best day and your worst and still be accepted. When you can just sit together and say nothing and feel completely connected, because belonging isn't about fitting in. It's about being known, seen. Now, I'm sure that while I was listing these things, you had images and thoughts flying through your head and you were able to pinpoint moments in your life where you felt this way, and I want you to hold on to that feeling and those images and chase them, like your life depended on it, because it does. If the room that you're in doesn't spark this feeling, it's not the room for you, and this is why Mojo is so important.
Speaker 1:So many people I know are moving into their 50s with no idea of who they are. I look at my dad. He's 86, and his whole life was dedicated to civil service and after 46 years at the same job, he went into retirement having absolutely no idea what he liked, what he wanted to do and what made him happy. I'll never forget the time my mom told me the story of one of his first days of retirement, and so she was out in the backyard and working on the garden on a beautiful day and dad went outside and kind of had to look around and sheepishly ambled over to where my mom was and said what should we do? And she rolled her eyes, as only a wife of 40 years can do and said that's for you to figure out, my dear. I've built my life. I guess it's time for you to build the next chapter of yours. Good luck with that. I had to laugh, but I'm pretty sure that that terrified him greatly, and, without the skills, self-awareness or courage to ask for help, he just did what he's always done. So to this day, he goes to his office and does office work, because that's the only thing he never knew and he asked no further questions.
Speaker 1:Now, my dad was born in 1938, a very different time with very different access to the things that we have today, like personal development and emotional intelligence. So my point is that today we have no more excuses. We've made progress and it's up to us to create a world where you can be you and I can be me, and those can be two different things, and that's okay. And it can change and evolve, and that's okay. We can change our minds, and that's okay. I can be 46, unmarried, with no kids, and still have a life with meaning and purpose and joy, something that for many generations of women would have landed them the sexy title of spinster or been shunned or judged for their choices. But today I can choose my own choices and stand in my power and create a life that is for me.
Speaker 1:Because what are these norms we're confronting? Anyway? They started so long ago and became such a part of our systems and education that we never stopped to question it. Look, I grew up living 10 minutes from my high school and 15 minutes from my university, and at the time, in 1997, the recipe was baked in Graduate, get your degree, get the time. In 1997, the recipe was baked in Graduate, get your degree, get the job, live happily ever after. That just didn't jive with me, so my 18 year old self decided to take a different path, one that honored me, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of that chick.
Speaker 1:My point is despite rewriting the script that had been handed to me, my point is despite rewriting the script that had been handed to me, no one came to stop me, and in my intro I talk about how the key to mojo is living with intention and paying attention, because the root of a lot of our malaise is autopilot routine, doing things one way because that's how it's always been done. But when we start attention, we can uncover a lot of habits that we inherited and just never questioned. For example, like think about how many times a day you apologize like for no reason. Like when was the last time that you bumped into an inanimate object and apologized? When was the last time that you someone was in your way and you said sorry, I just got to squeak by. When was the last time that someone was in your way and you said sorry? I just got to squeak by? When was the last time you apologized for having a different opinion than someone, or making a point and finishing the sentence with does that make sense, girl? Of course it does Stand your ground. Or when was the last time that you apologized but it was to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, not because you were at fault?
Speaker 1:It's time to stop. It's time to stop apologizing for saying no, for saying sorry, I can't make it. Instead, we can say thanks for the invite, but I can't make it that day. We need to stop apologizing for our emotions Sorry, I'm just upset. Instead, we can say I'm feeling emotional right now. Period. We need to stop apologizing for self-care Sorry, I just need a break. Instead, we can say I'm taking a break to recharge. We need to stop apologizing for needing help. Sorry to bother you, can you help me with this thing? Instead, we can say hey, can you help me out with this? I'm having some trouble.
Speaker 1:So if you listen to those delightful alternatives, you're going to see that ditching the sorry does not automatically shift you into being disagreeable, which is a common limiting belief for people pleasers. Sorry, not sorry. We're here to flip the script. We are living in a really interesting time where we have privilege and education and rights and freedoms that our parents just didn't, and I feel like this comes with a responsibility to keep pushing ourselves and demand more for ourselves and lead the world to show up differently and normalize empowerment and authenticity.
Speaker 1:Because the truth is it's easy to stay small. It can happen in a slow drip, little by little, one concession at a time. We give away our power, we adapt, we sacrifice, and every time we do this, we give away a little bit of who we are. We betray a little bit of the magic that is who we are. Every time someone asks us how we're doing and we say I'm fine, even when we're not, we are betraying the truth that is inside of us, that just wants to scream. You know what? I'm feeling exhausted and resentful, because I feel like I do everything all the time and it goes unseen and unappreciated and, quite frankly, I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this, but I don't know how to stop and I forget how to stand up for myself. So I'm just going to say I'm fine.
Speaker 1:So I want this episode to serve as a call to action to start taking up space, start getting to know your voice again, start putting your own piece in first place and let it be something that you control, not only to be considered after everyone else is taken care of. Because your exhaustion is not a trophy, your silence does not win you a gold star. Burnout is not an achievement, and success that comes after you've taxed yourself to a point of depletion fatigue and takes an axe to your well-being. That's not success. That is survival mode dressed up as ambition. And the trick is that you are the only one who is able to tell when those alarm bells go off, and it's your job to get out of there safely, and I know you can do it.
Speaker 1:I'll never forget the time that I finally woke up to the reality of how small I'd been living and how much of my noble sacrifices in the name of keeping the peace, how much that was really costing me. So, to set the scene, my marriage had been in trouble for a while. Communication was off, expectations were set and bypassed, promises were made but not honored, boundaries were set and ignored. Yet I kept the peace and held out hope that something would shift, something would change. I just had to stay strong, stay quiet, leave space for change to happen, keep the water still, don't spook the bear, and maybe something would magically fall into alignment Now. I was living in France at the time and I speak French fluently, but there was still a culture gap and a language gap, because they speak so fast and there's so much slang, and there was a lot of head nodding while I pieced together what people were saying and this made my voice and my ability to fully show up as myself kind of handicapped and it impacted my self-image and my confidence like big time. But it wasn't immediately obvious and, like I said, it was a slow drip. It happened little by little over time.
Speaker 1:So fast forward a bit. I'm there in my kitchen and I want to leave for work and I want the apartment to be clean. Now my husband at the time had this fancy dancy iced tea pitcher and it seemed to constantly need cleaning after being filled with like ginger roots and mint leaves and whatnot. Now I had made the mistake of cleaning this contraption before and I found out that I did it wrong. So there I stood in my kitchen having this conversation with myself Should I clean it? I don't want to do it wrong. I don't want to have that fight about the iced tea maker again. But I also value a clean apartment and I don't want to have the whole house looking good, but this one thing left for him to clean. Is he going to think that I'm being passive, aggressive if I leave it for him to clean? I don't want to start a fight, but I want to come home to a clean apartment. And what if this happens? And what if he says that? And what if that happens? Is what the actual fuck am I doing?
Speaker 1:This was the thought that came screaming into my consciousness, like a siren begging me to wake up and see how small I'd made myself in that moment. I followed it up with an empowering and my now most favorite mantra it's simple and clear. Empowering and my now most favorite mantra it's simple and clear. I decide. I decide to have the fight or not. I decide to clean the thing my way or not. I decide how I'm going to navigate this, but I have to do it with awareness and authenticity and accept what comes from it. Now, this mantra is as scary as it is empowering, but we know we can do hard things. And remember those women that we discussed at the top of the show the women who suffered in silence were four times more likely to die after keeping their grief and grievances to themselves.
Speaker 1:Now, at the time, I didn't know about this study, but my intuition sure did. It knew that my peace was worth fighting for, that my peace of mind was my responsibility, and passing off my hardships to someone else for work I wasn't going to do wasn't going to get me anywhere. In fact, it would anchor me even more into living a life of accommodations and sacrifice and compromise, and while I absolutely acknowledge that these are important components to a relationship, they should not be driving the bus. At best they can make guest appearances, but they are not the stars of the show if you want a healthy, equitable relationship. So I looked at myself hard in the mirror and committed to change. I committed to reprioritizing my voice my needs and tapping into some courage to show up differently. And I knew this wasn't going to happen overnight, but one conversation, one confrontation at a time. I would begin to take up more space, advocate for what I need, stand firm in what I was willing to tolerate and give myself permission to address what I wasn't willing to tolerate.
Speaker 1:And what I can tell you now, with five years of perspective from that moment, is that my decision to reprioritize myself is one that I have to make every single day, because a lesson learned is a lesson applied, and I failed many times since then, but I'm also happy to report that I've gotten better at it too, and in my role as a full-time caretaker for my dad. Right now it's so easy to surrender my needs and put them in a solid second place, but it only takes a bit of burnout and overwhelm to remind me of that promise that I made to myself in the mirror five years ago, and I'm getting better at reminding myself and taking steps and building routines that help me do this, and I'm braver now and I can ask for help now and I'm no longer afraid to be a bother and identify my needs and it's still a bit scary sometimes, and being brave doesn't feel brave, it feels terrifying, until you stop and reflect and remember that you're safe, and remember that you're strong and that you did the hard thing. And that is an amazing feeling, and it's all created by you. Isn't that wonderful?
Speaker 1:So, my friends, let's recap and set some intentions for the week based on what we learned today. Number one we are born to be heard, seen and take up space. We are going to act accordingly and unapologetically. Number two speaking of apologizing, we will stop apologizing for the chair we bumped into, the person we disagree with and the help we are worthy of receiving. Number three we will show up in the world in a way that honors ourselves and our goals and puts ourselves in rooms that light us up, not ones that dim our shine. And just like that, your pocket is officially full of mojo. Can you feel it? If you're looking for more mojo, I got you.
Speaker 1:This is the perfect time to get out of the winter blues and reboot your mojo with a seven-day mojo makeover challenge. No matter where you're at, this offer will guide you through mantras, insights and activities that will leave you feeling transformed, reconnected with your best stuff. You can click that link below and start right away and integrating these game-changing tools and thoughts and ideas that will boost your mojo and boost your life. Make sure you smash that subscribe button because next week I'm coming back with a powerful episode about self-image. How it may be on the surface, but it's far from shallow. Be sure to come back while we unpack that together. So until next time, be fearless, insist on fun and find joy in everything you do. Thank you so much for showing up today. I love you, toodaloo kangaroo.
