Reclaim Your Power: The Art of Setting Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is crucial for protecting your peace, energy, and self-worth. This episode empowers listeners to recognize the importance of boundaries, provides strategies for setting them effectively, and challenges common misconceptions about their purpose. 

• Boundaries are not selfish; they're essential for healthy relationships 
• Recognizing signs that you need stronger boundaries 
• Performing an energy audit to identify boundary deficiencies 
• Common traps that keep people without boundaries 
• Practical mindset reframes for overcoming guilt and fear 
• Steps for clear communication and handling pushback 
• Following through with boundaries for self-respect 
• Encouragement to embrace and share boundary-setting experiences

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Chapters

• 0:15 Setting Healthy Boundaries for Self-Care
• 3:50 Empowering Boundaries for Healthier Relationships
• 19:22 Mojo Makeover Challenge

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:15

Today we're talking about boundaries, the ultimate way to protect your peace, your energy and your self-worth. Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo, where you're, you and I'm Steph, and we tune in here to tap into some mojo. And if you're new here and you're like, what's mojo? Well, mojo is that feeling of unshakable confidence, that booming self-worth. Like you're an unstoppable force of nature and I'm here to show you how you can have that feeling every single day. You see, I think I've cracked the code to being happy. I'm happy all the freaking time, at least most of the day, possibly to an annoying degree, but hey, I wasn't always this way. And not to flex, but I've had multiple breakdowns on multiple continents and in two languages. Look, three years ago, my whole life dumpster fire. Now I'm better than I've ever been. Well, how you ask? By living with more intention, more attention. And look, I've created this really great first aid kit of self-care tips to help you tune in, tap in and turn on your mojo. I'm on a mission to help you tap into your best stuff and just to remember that you have everything that you need to live your life on your own terms. And by the end of this episode, you're going to understand what boundaries are and what they aren't. You're going to recognize the sign that maybe you need some stronger boundaries. You're going to learn how to set and enforce boundaries without the guilt. You're going to learn how to set and enforce boundaries without the guilt, and you're going to discover some common traps that keep people stuck in a boundary-less exhaustion. You're going to feel empowered to prioritize your needs without fear of disappointing others. How nice is that going to be. You're going to leave this episode feeling lighter, more empowered and ready to be a boundary boss. So settle in. We are here for some positive change. So let's dig in to where your mojo meets the road.

Speaker 1: 2:16

Hello and welcome to the second episode of the second season of Pocketful of Mojo. And once again, I'm Steph. I'm your Mojo Maven, I'm your emotional Sherpa, I'm that friend that you can talk to about your feelings, and I'm so glad you're here. Quick reminder am I a therapist? No, do I have a degree in psychology? Also, no, I am a flawed human being and I'm a recovering people pleaser who has just figured out how to tap into our best stuff. We are literally born with everything that we need, so I'm going to be here to reflect your awesomeness back to you. We're going to smash those limiting beliefs and hook you up with some inspiration and motivation to live the life you love and love the life you live you in.

Speaker 1: 3:04

Let's go, let's talk about what boundaries actually are and what they aren't. So the definition simply put, boundaries are the invisible lines that define what's okay and what's not okay for you. They are there to protect your time, your energy, your emotions and your overall well-being. And a quick reminder you're in charge of those things. So when I was learning about boundaries for the first time, I was struck with the terms tolerate and compromise, and if these words show up a lot in how you operate in your relationships, this is for you. So now that we know what boundaries are and why they're awesome, let's have a look at what boundaries are not.

Speaker 1: 3:50

Boundaries are not about being selfish. You don't have to be rude and you don't have to shout people out. It's just about creating healthier relationships, first with yourself and then with others. Look, everyone likes you when you don't have any boundaries. This is a fact. It's super convenient for people to take what they need of your time, your energy, your expertise, your emotional capacity, and they do it for free. And let me tell you, babe, it's not cool. You have things to do and you're not here to take care of everyone all the time. You don't even like everyone all the time. So, despite what your guilt and the old systems may try to tell you, you have things that you want to do, but if you never have time to do them, this is where boundaries come in to save the day. So, to bring up a real life example, think of a boundary like a fence around your house. It's not a wall, it has a gate and you get to decide who comes in and for how long and under what conditions. A great quote from Mark Groves Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries simply show them where to find the door.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Now let's look at how you know you need boundaries. Well, here are some red flags that might point that you're lacking some boundaries. So easy one you say yes when you really want to say no. Or maybe you feel drained after working or interacting with certain people. Or maybe you take on the responsibility of fixing other people's problems until you have no time for your own. Or maybe you fear that people will just get upset or leave if you set some limits or, worse yet, confrontation. Or maybe you've got overachiever syndrome and you've overextended yourself and you end up resentful. Look, the key here is that resentment is a sign that you've overstepped your own boundaries. Resentment is an ugly monster and it's a five-alarm indication that there's some boundary work to do. But I've got you, so let's figure out how we can get ahead of this monster and slay anyway. So the first activity I want you to do is easy peasy, it's an energy audit. So the first activity I want you to do is easy peasy, it's an energy audit.

Speaker 1: 6:09

You write down three things in your life that feel exhausting, overwhelming or frustrating and you're like why am I saying yes when I should be saying no? And then you want to reflect and say what boundary can I create that would change this dynamic? Now it's okay to be like uh, life in general is exhausting, overwhelming and frustrating. How can I come up with a list? Fair enough, my friend, these are crazy Handmaid's Tale-like times. That is not lost on me, which makes it more important than ever. No better time to start.

Speaker 1: 6:46

So the key here is to zero in on what you can control. You still own your schedule, your friend list and what you consider a responsibility. You get to choose. This is your time to empower yourself with a determination to make these changes. Remember, any changes are meant to enhance your life and to make space for more of what you love. Period. You choose the volume of the noise, so let's keep going and take our power back, shall we? Now let's have a look at how we got here.

Speaker 1: 7:22

There's a few traps that might try to keep you stuck without boundaries, but if we expose them right here, right now, we can reflect on how these things show up in our own lives. And once you spot them, they have far less power because awareness has shown up to the party. So let's expose these traps and get ahead of the game. So here's some common boundary pitfalls the nice person trap Maybe you don't like disappointing people, so you avoid setting boundaries and everything is yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1: 7:56

There's also the martyr mindset you believe that you should handle everything for everyone, and maybe it's a lack of confidence in your entourage or a role that you've just simply been playing due to the systems, education, society. Ring a bell, and this one can be a little bit easier to dismantle with a simple did anyone ask me to do this? And then there's the fear of conflict. This is a loop and you avoid boundaries because you don't want to rock the boat, and I am famous for this. I was allergic to conflict for a long time but, fun fact, when you have boundaries it actually helps avoid conflict. It keeps the waters crystal clear. We'll get more to that in a minute.

Speaker 1: 8:43

But then finally, there's the guilt spiral. You set a boundary and then you feel bad about it. So you go back on it Because doing the thing feels less bad than feeling guilty for like a second. Do not fall into this trap, my people. Guilt is a self-inflicted wound and most often, on closer inspection, completely unnecessary. So let's do a little activity. We're going to learn how to rewrite the script. We're going to create some boundary setting reframes. In this activity. We're rewriting the unhelpful narratives that we've been carrying around like broken luggage, the things that we say to keep ourselves stuck in that people-pleasing, boundaryless exhaustion.

Speaker 1: 9:28

Here's some examples of how to shift your mindset and the language when facing each trap. Let's have a look. Trap number one the nice person trap. So fear is going to tell you if I say no, they'll think I'm selfish. But the boundary boss reframe that you're going to say to yourself is being kind doesn't mean being available 24-7. I can care about others and still protect my time. Now here's what to say instead.

Speaker 1: 9:59

When someone asks you to do something you either don't want to do or don't have time or energy to do it, you used to say, okay, I guess I can do it, even though you don't want to. Instead, you can say I'd love to help, but I just can't commit right now. Easy, right. And you used to say I don't want to be difficult, so I'll just say yes. So now you can say I appreciate you thinking of me, but I just can't take this on. I hope you find the right person for it, and you'll be surprised how little conflict actually comes from this one. It may feel like you're the first person ever to set a boundary. It may feel like you're the first person ever to set a boundary. It's going to feel that way, but it's okay. They'll get it or they won't. But this is you standing up for you, and there's strength on the other side of this mild discomfort, I promise.

Speaker 1: 10:53

Now for the trap number two. That martyr mindset, that old belief, is telling you that it's my job to handle everything for everyone. But the new reframe is my needs matter just as much as everyone else's. I don't have to set myself on fire to keep others warm. So what you can say instead of I'll take care of it, even though you're overwhelmed, you can say you know what I'm at capacity right now. Can we find another solution together? Or I have to do it or no one else will. They won't do it the way that I like to do it. Instead, you can say to yourself it's okay to let others step up. I trust that they can handle it. And this one can be particularly tricky because it also involves letting go. And this one can be particularly tricky because it also involves letting go Because maybe they're going to do it differently or less than how you'd do it, and you have to be okay with that. You're doing this for your greater good, which is your well-being.

Speaker 1: 11:49

Now let's look at the fear of conflict loop. Now this fear is going to tell you if I set a boundary, people are going to get mad and they're going to leave, but the boundary boss reframe. The right people will respect my boundaries and the ones who don't benefit from me not having any. So, instead of saying to yourself I don't want to upset them, so I'm just going to go along with it. You can say out loud I understand this might be unexpected, but this is what works best for me. And instead of saying I don't want to start a fight, you can say I value our relationship and I want to be honest about what I can and can't do. Look, this one in particular will give you evidence very quickly of who's in it for you and who's in it for what you can do for them. And this can bring on some temporary heartbreak. So it's important to honor that grief that comes when you let go of those kinds of relationships. But they don't serve you anymore. And if you struggle with this, you are not alone. But remember, this too shall pass, and on the other side, you're going to be stronger and you're going to have a much more supportive tribe around you. You're going to feel the difference.

Speaker 1: 12:59

Now let's move on to trap number four, the guilt spiral. So that old belief is going to say I set a boundary, but now I feel bad about it. But the game-changing reframe is that guilt is a sign that I'm breaking an old pattern, not that I did something wrong. So when you hear yourself saying I feel bad, maybe I should just give in. Come back with this. Discomfort means that I'm growing. I don't have to change my mind just because it feels new. And if you find yourself acting unlike your old self, maybe I was too harsh. No, I was clear and kind. And if they don't like my boundary, that's their work to do, not mine.

Speaker 1: 13:41

Look if honoring yourself is a new trend for you. It's important to give yourself some grace. Dial up the awareness of what you're feeling, because change is sticky, but that discomfort is temporary. The feeling of empowerment, of setting and sticking to a boundary is like sweet, sweet self-care nectar, and it's going to encourage you to keep going and review where else in your life you could maybe use some boundaries. So keep going. You've got this. Now a big final takeaway Just remember boundaries don't push people away. They teach people how to respect you. Your peace is worth it and when it comes to how to set and maintain boundaries, there's just four easy steps, so let's walk through them together.

Speaker 1: 14:28

Step one you got to get clear on what you need. Ask yourself what do I need more of? More time, more alone time, more support, more time to chase your dreams you choose. There's no needs police that's going to come and tell you that you're doing it right or doing it wrong. Trust your gut, it knows the way. And then you can ask yourself what do I need less of? Do I need less to-do lists, less being late for things because I'm always running less obligations? And then finally ask yourself what's draining me Doing things to help others succeed when your goals are collecting dust? Maybe you need a new plan, following the same rinse and repeat routine, leaving no room for creativity or self-expression, or even taking the time to figure out what your own needs are. Look, keeping the peace and swallowing all your own ambitions because making space for them seems impossible. This is where the real work begins.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Now that your needs are going to be clear and specific, you can stand up for yourself by advocating for what you need, which brings us to step number two. Communicate clearly and confidently. Use those I statements. I can't take on extra work this week, but I'd love to help next time. Look no more over explaining it's not needed. You will be tempted. You'll want to convince people of your needs. You don't have to Stop it, which is the perfect segue to number three.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Handle pushback like a pro. You're going to want to expect resistance Because people who benefited from your lack of boundaries they're not going to like this change. Boundaries can show them the door. They can stay on your terms or find someone else to profit from. Period, you can hold your ground and do it with kindness. Look, I understand this is new, but this is important for me. And if someone tries to say, yeah, but you used to do this for me and you used to do that, it wasn't a problem before. You can acknowledge that and say you're right and I found that that caused me more problems than it solved. So, moving forward, I'm just going to be doing things a little bit differently.

Speaker 1: 16:48

I hope you understand that didn't sound mean. That didn't sound rude. It just sounded like you were creating space for you to protect your own interests, and that's step number four Follow through without guilt. Boundaries without action is just wishes. So stick to your limits. So think of one thing you can do this week where you can say no. You can say it out loud, using a firm and friendly tone, because it is what A complete sentence. Remember that when you say no, thank you with a smile. There's really no comeback to that. Just remember that.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Boundaries it's all about self-respect, people who love and respect you. They're going to adjust. They're going to love this for you, because it's not your job to manage other people's reactions Ain't nobody got time for that. Setting boundaries isn't rejection, it's protection. You will observe changes in your relationships because you are changing, and so are the terms and conditions of your relationships. A doormat no more.

Speaker 1: 17:53

And your final challenge this week I want you to pick one small boundary to set this week. Commit to it. Look boundaries they're not going to push people away. They're going to show people how to love you better, how to respect you better. So go out there and own your space, your energy, take up space, use your voice and protect your peace. You are in charge. You choose where you spend your time and energy and you don't owe anyone anything before you've honored yourself. The name of this game is Me. First. Try it on, see how it fits.

Speaker 1: 18:30

So quick recap of what we learned today. Oh my God, so much. Protect boundaries. They protect your time, energy and your well-being. If you're feeling exhausted, resentful, overwhelmed, probably need to work on some boundaries. People pleasing it keeps you stuck in exhaustion. These activities that we covered today are your off ramp from the people pleasing freeway of frustration. Number four saying no doesn't make you mean, makes you healthy. It makes you strong. And boundaries aren't just about others. They're about you respecting yourself. So did our little chat about boundaries leave you wanting more? Well, by all means, I encourage you to share your boundary wins on social media using a hashtag pocketful of mojo boundaries and we can celebrate our boundary boss babe era together.

Speaker 1: 19:22

If you're looking for more ways to give your mojo a glow up, be sure to check out the seven day mojo makeover Challenge in the show notes. It's seven days of mantras and mini challenges where you get to reboot and refill your cup so that you can show up for yourself like never before. So if this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Be sure to rate, review, subscribe. It helps more people find the show. Let's keep this conversation going.

Speaker 1: 19:51

Dm me your biggest boundary win this week. I'd love to hear all about it and be sure to tune in next week when we unpack the prickly pear that is perfectionism the cost of good enough versus perfect. We're going to look at strategies to embrace imperfection and we're going to go through some stories of how letting go leads to breakthroughs. It's a do not miss episode, so be sure to subscribe to make sure that your mojo doesn't miss a single minute. I've got so much great stuff to share with you, so be sure to tune in next week. And until then, stay classy, stay kind and put love in everything you do. This has been Steph with Pocketful of Mojo A ciao for now.