Preserving Your Sparkle in Relationships

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Welcome to an empowering episode where you'll uncover the secret to keeping your sparkle even when the world seems to demand every ounce of your shine. I'm Steph, your mojo maven, and today we chant the mantra "My relationships bring out the best in me" as a beacon guiding us through the intricate dance of human connections. Ready to navigate the journey of staying true to your vibrant self while fostering fulfilling relationships? We'll unpack the people-pleaser's conundrum, showing you how to contribute to harmonious dynamics without compromising your genuine spirit. 

This episode also wraps you in the wisdom of crafting a 'bubble' of personal space—one that shields you from negativity and bathes you in positivity. As your hostess, I'll walk you through the liberating power of 'no,' revealing how this simple syllable can balance the scales of give-and-take in your relationships. We're not just talking boundaries; we're talking about the art of self-care that allows you to recharge and glow even brighter. Join me in redefining what it means to care for yourself guilt-free and learn how to emerge with relationships that celebrate and elevate the true you.

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Chapters

• 0:10 Harmony in Relationships
• 11:47 Setting Healthy Boundaries and Self-Care

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Welcome to your new favorite podcast, pocket Full of Mojo, where you're, you and I'm, steph, and we tune in here to tap into some mojo. You see, I think I've cracked the code to being happy. I'm happy every single day, no jokes. Now look, I wasn't always this way. Trust and believe. I've had breakdowns on multiple continents. Not to brag or anything, but by paying attention and living with more intention, I've created a wellness first aid kit full of amazing tools that help me out of and avoid getting into life's more sticky and stressful situations. And I'm not here to gatekeep, so settle in. We're here for some positive change. So let's explore where your mojo meets the road, mojo meets the road. In today's episode, I'm going to review our mantra for the week and then we're going to dig into today's main topic, and that is harmony in your relationships. I know you've got a levandy bajillion podcasts to choose from, so I am super stoked with gratitude that you're here. So stick around around and I'm going to make sure that you're glad you did. Let's get started with today's mantra and get tuned in, tapped in and turned on. Hello, gorgeous. Welcome to the 17th episode of Pocketful of Mojo. Once again, I'm Steph. Thanks for being here. I'm going to be your hostess and your mojo, maven, I'm just super jazzed that you're here.

Speaker 1: 1:52

This is going to be a very helpful episode, so let's get right to it. Let's start by digging into today's mantra, and that is my relationships, bring out the best in me. Ooh, this one's magic, let's unpack my relationships, bring out the best in me. This mantra is fire. It's your flag in the ground that establishes what relationships you want in your life and leaves no room for relationships that no longer serve you. My relationships bring out the best in me, do they, though? See, this one can sting if we have people in our camp that maybe do more taking than giving, that make us feel insecure, or less than that pull on you instead of lifting you up. This mantra allows us to really observe our relationships and call out the ones that may take more than they give.

Speaker 1: 2:51

My relationships, bring out the best in me. Allow yourself to shine, my friend. You are more than what you do for other people. You are inherently worthy and deserving of having people in your life that highlight your talents, appreciate who you are and let you be you. Setting this bar for yourself and holding this mantra close ensures that not only are you actively choosing what company you keep, but you're creating an environment where you can continually be at your best, not just the three times a year that you meet your favorite person for lunch. This allows you to prioritize the healthy relationships and squeeze out the relationships that drain you or leave you feeling less than stellar. Ain't nobody got time for that? My relationships bring out the best in me. When your relationships are healthy and based on respect and acceptance, you're elevating your own status in your head and creating a boundary that allows you to observe the people you have in your life, not with judgment, but with terms for yourself that allow you to protect all that is good about you. It shows people how to show up in your life and that they are either up for it or have some more of their own work to do, and that's okay. But it's important to know that that's not your work to do. You've got your own self-love journey that you're on, and maybe you're just being a great example to others, but that's up to them to step up, because my relationships bring out the best in me.

Speaker 1: 4:30

So, my fellow lovely humans, let's crack open today's topic, which is Navigating Harmony, the People Pleaser's Guide to Healthy Relationships. So today let's talk about something near and dear to our hearts harmony in relationships. In my friend circle back in France, I found out that my tribe referred to me as the equalizer, someone who's always able to show up and calibrate the room's energy and add a touch of harmony. And this sounds great on the surface, right right, like ooh, what a compliment. But on closer inspection and after some deep personal reflection, I figured out that I wasn't really giving myself the chance to be myself. I was meeting people where they were at, which is a kindness to others, but at the cost of my own authenticity.

Speaker 1: 5:23

And as folks who thrive on keeping the peace and ensuring everyone around us is happy, creating and maintaining harmony seems like second nature, right? So how can we strike that balance? Let's have a closer look and dive a little deeper. You see, while our intentions are noble, there are some tricky traps that we can fall into when we prioritize harmony above all else. So grab a cup of tea, cozy up and let's explore how we can honor ourselves while still fostering beautiful and balanced relationships. Because, oh the pitfalls. Where do we even begin?

Speaker 1: 6:01

As people pleasers, we often find ourselves in a bit of a bind. We say yes when we really mean no. We bend over backwards to accommodate other people, and then we put our own needs on the back burner, Any of this sounding familiar. One of the things that we forget to pay attention to is what our own needs actually are, because up until now, our needs have been defined by what we're able to offer other people, and that's just based on what they need. So we'll just be over here, waiting quietly until you tell us how to show up. Okay, no, ma'am, no more. There is a better way, and that's just what we're here to find out.

Speaker 1: 6:42

Because here's the thing While it's admirable to want to keep the peace and make everyone happy, constantly prioritizing other people over ourselves that's just going to breed some resentment, create some burnout and, ultimately, a breakdown in the relationship the actual opposite of what we're trying to do in the moment. Right, think about it like this If you're constantly giving and never receiving, the scales quickly become imbalanced, and that's not good for anyone involved. So let's talk about you. That's right, the main character in the story, the hero of your life. You are the main attraction. Now let's put a spin on how we do life. Let's talk about the importance of honoring that main character as people pleasers. This might feel like a foreign concept at first, but trust me, it is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Honoring yourself means recognizing your own needs, your own desires and your own boundaries and giving them the same weight and importance that you do for other people.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Now, for me, I had to go right back to the beginning on this one. I had to start at the top because, after my life flipped upside down, after losing my mom and my marriage all in one fell swoop, I was very discombobulated. Now, looking back, I don't think that being in another country really allowed me to find the peace and the strength that I needed, because part of living in another country means there's going to be some acclimatizing, and I just think I let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Well, and being the overachiever that I am, I'm really good at taking. You see, up until a few years back, I'd been dodging landmines in my relationships for so long that I couldn't even list you what my needs and desires even were. I still struggle sometimes, but it was the realization of how small I had made myself that kicked everything into focus, and I knew that I had to start somewhere.

Speaker 1: 8:50

Let me give you an example. I was in my kitchen in my apartment in Nantes and I was taking apart my then-husband's iced tea steeper just a regular old task, right and I found myself standing there staring at it, wondering and thinking way too long about how I should clean it. I wanted to do it one way, but then I knew that he wanted me to do it some other way, and I couldn't quite remember what that was. But I knew that asking would start a fight and doing it my way would cause an issue. And maybe if I leave it no, no, I can't do that, because I'm here to clean it. And what kind of mental gymnastics is that? Do you see how paralyzing it can be? If we constantly prioritize other people, it's a trap. Now look, there was a long road to getting there, to that place where harmony came at the cost of my own empowerment. I didn't wake up feeling small that day.

Speaker 1: 9:49

It took years of concessions, of tolerance, of compromise, but with all those costs adding up, keeping the peace not only wasn't working for me, but had revealed this huge gap between what I was giving others and what I was or wasn't, in this case, giving myself. So how do we do this in practice? Starts where everything starts Awareness. You have to be able to sit with yourself and really see the gap between where you are and where you want to be, with no judgment. It's not good or bad, it just is, and hopefully that's how you got here. You don't have to know how you're getting there. You just have to start with the awareness that you are worthy of and want more for yourself. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Then, once you start taking small actions to close that gap, the ball starts rolling down the hill and you start getting some inspiring momentum. The ball starts rolling down the hill and you start getting some inspiring momentum, and that's where the juicy bits live. Now, the hardest part for me in reconciling these changes and standing up for myself was when it came to setting boundaries. But it doesn't have to be that hard for you. So I'm glad you're here.

Speaker 1: 11:06

For those of you who are maybe new to the boundary game or think of boundaries as more of an idea rather than an active practice, let's dig a little deeper. Boundaries are like the protective fences around your emotional and physical space. They are essential for keeping balance in all of your relationships. It's about communicating your needs clearly and assertively and not feeling guilty about it because it's your bubble. Oh, I like that better. Yeah, I still kind of get a visceral reaction when I hear the word boundary. For me it just sounds hard and heavy and rude and it really isn't my brand. So we're going to rebrand it right here, right now.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I'm calling it the bubble there. That's better, but like a strong and sturdy bubble, not like a regular bubble. You with me. It's a bubble where only good stuff gets through. The takers, the double talkers, the stress, the anxiety inducing stuff is not invited inside my bubble. If you want a good visualization of a boundary, take this great gif, the one of Shaquille O'Neal, who's just like swatting away things like depression, negativity, stress and so on, and he does it with like this wild and happy smile on his face. Nothing gets to that guy, and that's what I think about when I think about keeping things out of my bubble.

Speaker 1: 12:26

So this is a call to action for you to take your awareness and pivot into some reflection. What's not being invited into your bubble, what doesn't belong? And there's no wrong answers here, as long as they come from you. For some it may be strengthening the connection between what you feel and what comes out of your mouth, like when someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do and yet the words absolutely how soon do you need that done? Come flying out of your mouth before you can even think twice. Then comes the resentment, with a smattering of guilt for not standing up for yourself. Gross, we're gonna do better. How about the next time someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, you try saying no, or even no thank you, if you want to be polite about it. See, setting boundaries doesn't make you mean or selfish. This is a great reminder that questions often have more than one answer. So why do we feel the need to always say yes? Hmm, I'll leave that for you to chew on.

Speaker 1: 13:30

Now let's talk about keeping relationships equitable and fair. Now, this doesn't mean that I think that relationships are transactional. This is not that. This means that making sure that there's a give and take dynamic where both people contribute and both people feel valued. We all bring something different to the party, so it's just as important to be as good at receiving as we are giving, so generously as we do as people pleasers. We might struggle with this concept because we're so used to putting other people's needs above our own and believing that that makes us good people. But remember, relationships are a two-way street. I've come to learn that we often love the way that we want to be loved, and when we don't receive that in return, that's where we start to feel a little resentment coming in or, worse, a lowered opinion of ourselves, thinking that we're not worthy of more. So how do we ensure equity in our relationships? Well, it's about finding that balance between giving and receiving.

Speaker 1: 14:35

For example, a friend asks for a favor Now, before today, you would have said yes blindly before they even finished the sentence and would already be thinking about how we could do it in an extra special way, am I right? So for something new, try, instead of immediately saying yes without considering your own needs, try the pause and reflect method. Run the request through a few key questions, such as can you do the thing? Do you want to do the thing? Will it mean taking something off of your list, or delaying or postponing your needs to help someone else? My point is it's okay to take a beat and assess whether you have the capacity to help and if you don't, drum roll, please. It's okay to say no or even negotiate a compromise that works out for both of you and that counts as a boundary bubble too. When in doubt, just say I don't know, let me get back to you and then play the Rocky theme for yourself while you practice saying no in a way that feels good to you. It will take some practice if you're new to this, so give yourself some grace. Now.

Speaker 1: 15:46

Sometimes, when we initiate change, the pendulum swings all the way the other way. We think we have to get aggressive when we say no instead of our usual ways of sweetly saying yes. We now know that that's not how it has to be. Now, as for boundaries and me time two things that can feel like luxuries to a people pleaser. Well, why is that? Well, it's because we often find ourselves at the bottom of our own to-do list and give to ourselves after we're done giving to everyone else of our own to-do list and give to ourselves after we're done giving to everyone else, and it's nice, but it's far too rare, and we can't even give ourselves our own best stuff. We're getting what's left over after we've given it all away. But trust me, these two things the boundaries and the me time are 100% non-negotiables when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries help protect your emotional and physical space, while me time allows you to recharge and reconnect with yourself. It's a pretty simple recipe that's easy to say, harder to do, but I've got you.

Speaker 1: 16:51

So how do we set boundaries and carve out time for ourselves without feeling guilty? It starts with prioritizing your self-care. I'm not here to tell you that the solution to all your problems is a bubble bath or going for a walk in nature, because that's what works for me, I mean. I highly recommend it. But only you know what recharges you. Maybe it's curling up with a good book, finally making that recipe you've been dreaming of, or just recharging your body with some good book, finally making that recipe you've been dreaming of. Or just recharging your body with some good old-fashioned sleep. Ain't no shame in the self-love game, babes. Whatever grounds you, whatever feeds your soul, whatever recharges your batteries, do that more often and unapologetically.

Speaker 1: 17:31

So, when it comes to setting boundaries, remember that it's okay to say no, or I need some space, or I'd love to, but that's when I've scheduled my me time, when you're feeling overwhelmed or stretched too thin, and with some practice, you won't be waiting until you're down and out before setting aside some time for self-love. But start where you are. Start now. Your well-being matters and your true friends. They're going to respect and understand your need for self-care. They might even be a little jelly, and when you share your boundaries with grace and self-love, people will not only be impressed and admire you for it. They'll take notes and hopefully you've inspired them to do the same, and that's the perfect time to transition into talking about how to respond differently when we feel ourselves slipping into the old people-pleasing tendencies, because it's all about being mindful and intentional in our actions.

Speaker 1: 18:28

Instead of automatically saying yes to every request, we're gonna take a moment and pause and check in with ourself and you can ask yourself does this line up with my values and the things that I said? I was going to take a moment and pause and check in with ourself and you can ask yourself does this line up with my values and the things that I said I was going to do? Am I saying yes out of guilt or obligation? And if the answer is no, it's okay to politely say no or suggest an alternative solution that honors both of your needs. Remember, as much as it feels like it as much, as this is the story that we tell ourselves.

Speaker 1: 18:56

Here's the tea. You're not responsible for everyone else's happiness. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, and making sure you're number one is your number one job. When you see yourself that way, the shift starts to happen. So to wrap this up, making sure there's harmony in your relationships is a beautiful thing, but as people pleasers, we need to be mindful of the pitfalls and the traps that can come with prioritizing others needs above our own. So it's the key takeaway today that by honoring ourselves, maintaining boundaries and bubbles and maintaining equitable relationships, we can have a healthy balance that feeds both ourselves and the people we love around us. So here's to finding that sweet spot between pleasing others and honoring ourselves. It may take some practice In fact, it definitely will but trust me, it's all worth it After all. It definitely will, but trust me, it's all worth it After all, when we prioritize our own well-being, we show up as our best selves in all of our relationships, and that's where the harmony lives.

Speaker 1: 20:09

Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. Remember, self-love and self-acceptance are the foundation for a mojo master, and I know that you have everything that you need to live a life free of drama-rama and have rich and amazing relationships. Be sure to find me on Insta and let me know how you're coming along with your harmonizing, and you can find my handle and a few fun links in the show notes, so make sure you check that out. Come back next time, where we're going to explore what happens when you do and don't get props for your hard work. So until then, I want you to stay fabulous and just keep on spreading those positive vibes. Be kind out there. Toodaloo kangaroo.